Barbarella - Queen Of The Galaxy
Review By: Joe

From what I understand, this movie is generally regarded as the queen of the B-Movie and I suppose it lives up to that title quite admirably. It's got all the requirements of a B-movie: Low-budget sets and costumes much low-budget everything else too, a paper-thin plot with plot holes the size of that opening in the ozone layer (Earth Day is every day!), and a chick who wears revealing clothing and does a lot of screwing around (in more ways than one!).

This film starts with the credits rolling by as we watch Barbarella (Jane Fonda) change out of her spacesuit and into.....what's this?! Nothing! So, you get to see her tits in roughly the first five minutes, which means this sucker is already off to a really great start! Well, right after the highly important changing sequence, Barbarella receives a call on her spaceship's communication TV thingy from the President (of the Earth I think)!! The great thing about this is that when Barbarella attempts to go get some clothing to cease her current state of nakedness, the President tells her, "Don't bother changing". I am sure he is thinking only of the world's affairs and there is a perfectly good reason as to why Barbarella should be standing there talking to him in the nude so we shan't question him. I mean he's the president and you can always trust the president, right? Right.

After this, the President moves on to explain the problem at hand which I have sorta forgotten at this point because, if I recall correctly, it was really stupid. Essentially, this really smart guy from Earth named Duran Duran (yes, the band name is less than coincidental) went to some other planet and made a positronic ray for...uh...blowing shit up, I guess. Now, in Barbarella's time (the late 60's I think) fighting is completely over and done with so when you have things like this ray that blow other things up, it can only lead to trouble and, hey, maybe even war too. We can't have that, now can we?

El Presidente Muchachos informs Barbarella that she is the only one who can get Duran Duran and his ray back. Why is she the only one she asks?! Well, the Prez rattles off a few reasons such as how he has no army and stuff but I think the most important reason he gives is that Barbarella is a "Five-star, double-rated, astronavigatrix." WOAHOHOHO THERE!!! THAT'S SOMETHING! This left me wondering, though, who exactly reviewed her and gave her a five-star rating? Does Barbarella save people from certain destruction and then pass out comment cards or something? "Hmm, courteous, prompt, nice figure...I think I'll have to give her FIVE STARS!!" Sense? Clearly not. And we still haven't addressed the matter of her being "double-rated" which I guess means that she's been bestowed that prestigious five-star rating at least twice. But I think we've spent more than enough time here so lets forget about that.

Now that Barbarella has her mission, what does she do in order to carry it out? As it turns out, nothing very productive. You see, when I rented this, I got the DVD version which came with the movie's theatrical trailer. In it, the announcer man claimed I could see Barbarella "do her thing" with (amongst other things) a "friendly iceman" and a "nice angel." Do her thing?! Well, just what does that mean, pray tell?! Well, after watching the movie, I found out! Barbarella "doing her thing" pretty much means that she humps anything that moves! And that's really all! I mean, yeah, she starts out trying to find the planet she's supposed to be going to but after a bunch of weird and shitty psychedelic colors flashing in front of her ship for about fifteen minutes, she crashes and gets kidnapped by little children. Yes, little children! These kids don't speak English by the way so Bar wisely questions, "Parlez-vous francais?" Incidentally, they don't.

The kids proceed to throw a rock at Barbarella's head and then take her to a cave where they tie her up and make dolls eat her. The dolls walk really slowly and bite and that is all. Bar isn't even really tied up all that well so you'd think she could just kick them but no! So this iceman guy has to come save her. After which, she asks him, "Parlez-vous francais?" Parlez-vous SHUT UP!?

At this point, we get to one of Barbarella's only real incidents of actually doing something. Now, keep in mind that all she really does is have sex. Therefore, can you guess what she does here? Right! She fucks the iceman guy! You know, because he saved her life and all. And they do it "the old-fashioned way!". We get to see futuristic sex later, don't you worry.

Now that Bar's had some sex, her next clear step is to fall down again! Therefore, she gets into her ship thinking that, for some reason, it's fixed now! Oh ho! Not so!!! BLAM! She falls down on the same goddamned planet and makes a big old hole in it. As it turns out, she was supposed to go burrowing into the planet all along as this turns out to be the place she needs to be to find Duran Duran! Huh! Who would've thunked it?! Well, actually before she really gets to where she wants to be, she has to go through some underground labyrinth. Here she meets a blind angel named Pygar (the aforementioned "nice angel") who she screws without any hesitation. This gives him the will to fly again as he had forgotten how or something. Hmm, seems logical. I must say that I greatly welcomed the blind angel, however, as it allowed my friends and I to make blind jokes roughly every three seconds. Plus, there's that part where Barbarella tells Pygar to "Watch out!". That heartless bitch! Heh...oh shit, I hope no blind people read this. I'd better just move on.

Anyway, with the use of Pygar's flying, Bar makes it up to this evil kingdom place where she meets the Great Tyrant who is this chick who swings both ways. A bunch of crap happens that results in her getting put in a cage where birds try to eat her but she gets saved by this dude from a rebel alliance or something. You know what she gives him in return for being saved?! Yes, that's right! Sex sex sexy sex!! It apparently doesn't bug her that she's basically a prostitute except that she gets paid in life-saving gestures and not cash. Regardless, they have the modern sex which involves taking pills, putting your hands against each other, and then bouncing around and watching your hair fly about. Too quick an explanation? Trust me, you don't care.

Barbarella eventually stumbles (and I mean that because, as I said, she really does very little deliberately besides get it on with random people) onto Duran Duran who is all evil because of some poorly developed excuse about this big lava-blob-slime-river thing that is running under the city (like in Ghostbusters II, man). It's called the Mathmos by the way. Now you know...and knowing is half the battle. Duran Duran sticks Bar in a machine that kills you with pleasure. Yuh-huh. How convenient. Unfortunately, being the sexual dynamo she is, Barbarella blows the fucking thing up and pisses Duran Duran off so he locks her in some sleep chamber with the great tyrant who he is trying to overthrow. They then make up some bullshit about how the Mathmos will devour both of them just for being in the sleep chamber at the same time. Bullshit?! Even worse, they survive because the Mathmos creates a bubble over them to protect itself from Barbarella's innocence. For one, you just know they wrote that in at the last second and two, innocence?! She fucked like fifty guys she hardly even knew! By the way, I'm realizing it may sound like you missed something along here but it really is like that. Shoddy explanations are served up on the spot in this movie. Fun!

In the end, Barbarella and the Great Tyrant (who apparently isn't that bad for a chick who tried to crucify Pygar...oh did I leave that part out?) escape with Pygar as he flies away from the wreckage of the city which got all blowed up from the Mathmos and stuff. Duran Duran and his positronic ray also die while he curses and says "You win, Barbarella!". But she hardly did anything!! What the hell?! Most importantly, however, is that as Barbarella, Pygar, and the Great Tyrant are flying away, Barbarella asks Pygar, "Pygar...why did you save [the Great Tyrant] after all the terrible things she's done to you?". Pygar then responds, "An angel has no memory". Um...yeah!!!! This is quite possibly the best ending line in a movie ever as it has no sense attached to it at all. We then get to hear people sing "Angel loOoOoOve" in an out of tune fashion over and over again as the credits roll. Joy.

I wrote this review while really tired at four in the morning and it came out a lot more negative than I wanted. I also did too much summarizing...and not enough funny. I could try and compare this to the quality of the movie in some witty manner (IT IS PUT TOGETHER BADLY AND SO IS THE MOVIE?!) but, no, not this time. I'll just say that this movie is still worth something just for it's cheeseiness. It's definitely a B-movie and you shouldn't expect anything more from it. You want nice special effects? Go somewhere else. You want plot? These aren't the droids you're looking for. You want chick who travels the galaxy screwing random organisms and saying "Parlez-vous francais?" all the time? We've got you covered. An angel has no memory.

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