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June 18th, 2004
Shortlist For Veep Peep Seeps Out (Eep!)

EL TOWN, New Jersey - Exactly one year since announcing his bid for the White House, Sheriff Gringo is happy to reveal his campaign has never been more popular - and it's only going to get better!

During the past year, support for the lawman's latest campaign has skyrocketed into double figures, representing a 90% increase in the number of backers for his political cause since his campaign for the US Senate in 2002.

But now the independent candidate is faced with a difficult choice in the months ahead. Between now and August, Sheriff Gringo has to decide which lucky guy or girl is going to be running on this year's most exciting ticket.

After an exhaustive two-second glance at a long list of potential candidates for Vice President, including Yogi Bear (too greedy), Rosie O' Donnell (too lesbian) and Richard Nixon (too dead), Gringo has the shortlist down to five bright political stars.

Franklin Sherman (R-NY)

Just looking at the picture to the left, you can tell Franklin is a quality prospect. Who else can wear underpants and a banana on his head, yet maintain his dignity? The father of fat, obnoxious film critic Jay Sherman, Franklin has strong Republican tendencies and is also head of the all-important balloon doggies union. With a brain left mashed after a stroke, Franklin is liable to change his position on issues daily, making complete reversals on major issues quicker than you can say: "That's exactly what John Kerry does whenever he messes up".

Monty (I-NY)

With the popularity of Puss In Boots in Shrek 2, cats are proving once again to be the sidekick of choice. This feline star made his feature film debut in Stuart Little, followed by the originally-titled Stuart Little 2. Although he has never run for political office before, Monty is an expert at digging up dirt and wearing discarded boxes of Chinese takeout food on his head. When polled by independent firm June Is A Stupid Time To Poll A November Election Inc., 80% of the animal kingdom said they would be "more likely if stoned" to vote for a Gringo-Monty ticket over Bush-Cheney.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA)

The California Governor shares the same flaw as Monty; neither speaks English. But Gringo is nothing if not anything, and doesn't believe the Austrian's dialect will pose a problem. The duo have worked together in the past on the crucial issue of immigration, and by picking Arnold a potentially exciting bipartisan ticket would be created. However, the Governor has played down rumours of accepting the Vice President role. When asked by a reporter if he was interested, Arnold merely pumped the contents of a nail gun into the guy's face and quipped: "Nail to duh chief".

Beaker (D-ID)

If Arnold is the Ying of bipartisan success, Beaker is the Yang. Or the Meep. Either way, it doesn't matter. Living a quiet life ever since filming whatever the last unfunny Muppet programme was, Beaker retired to Idaho to live with long-term lover Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. As a homosexual and a Democrat, Beaker would truly show bleeding-heart liberals that Gringo's campaign is open to everyone. On the downside, the guy has one hell of an annoying voice and is also in possession of a face you wouldn't tire of punching.

Zippy (I-FL)

For years after his hit television show Rainbow came to an end, sarcastic upstart Zippy has been trying to find his niche. Living in Florida, he may well have done so. Although his body doesn't have a bottom half, Zippy has a fearsome wit and is very good at insulting the state's wide mix of minority groups. Additionally, he has a zip on his mouth that can be sealed shut to prevent him saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. As a true independent, politically speaking, Zippy can also be guaranteed to stick with Gringo's message. Whatever that is.

But who will end up getting the nod? Who would you like to see campaigning round the country with the Sheriff? How does Sheriff-Schwarzenegger sound? Or what about Gringo-Monty? Like the idea of Sheriff Gringo & Beaker In '04?

Yes, that's a lot of questions, but because you're thinking about voting Gringo's way, it means you're smart enough to handle them. Let us know who you'd like to be chosen as Gringo's running mate.

Either send an e-mail to sheriffgringo2004@hotmail.com stating your preference and reasons for it, or just wander the streets screaming something like "Gringo-Sherman all the way!" until you get arrested.

Expect a decision sometime mid-August, when the serious electioneering can get underway. In the meantime, Gringo's dedicated volunteers are hard at work on the third campaign video. Stay tuned!



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