Madden 2002
Review By: Joe

This is another one of those things that I'm gonna review without even experiencing it firsthand for myself. Score, children! First off, there's really no reason for me to like this game. It's a football game. That's already a big enough negative for me right there. I don't like football at all and I figure if you're gonna play the damn thing, go out and do it. Don't get some stupid virtual version of it and sit inside playing that. Go buy a damn football and get the hell outside. I play games where you do stuff that you can't do in real life like kill zombies and destroy people by crushing them with your ass (well, maybe some really fat people can pull this off). So we can see that there's no reason for me to like this game whatsoever. However, it has managed to exceed my expectations of dislike and I now hate this game. With a passion. I tell you why now!

I am in college. My roommate had the Playstation version of this game and recently got the Playstation 2 version, hence why I feel confident that I can accurately review both renditions. I don't really know how accurate this game portrays football (although I hear it's supposedly pretty good) because I don't know football at all. Also, I couldn't care less. However, there is one thing I know about this game and it takes place during any period of time that you are not in the actual game and are on a menu screen or something. It is the music. The horrible, horrible music. There is no music in the actual game, just a constant cheering sound that also makes me want to end my life but that's besides the point. The music in the menu is far more suicide-inducing.

Essentially, there are three songs. One is some techno/rap beat thingy which is not so bad although it does get easily annoying and repetitive after repeated listenings. Another sounds like some wacky Spanish ballad that got raped up the ass and turned into yet another crappy techno beat but due to the fact that the basis of this song is a decent sounding tune, it's probably the least annoying. Now we come down to the song that is the origin of all my burning rage anger explode zoom. It is a rap. I do not have anything against rap (well except for pretty much ALL new rap) but this is probably the worst rap I have ever heard ever in my life ever. It is a rap literally about the game. Some rapper who clearly has no shame or artistic integrity, was evidently signed on to make a rap completely about the game itself. I have no respect for people like this at all who are clearly not in the business for the music but for the money. Destiny's Child with their goodtime hit Survivor, for example, which got put on the soundtrack to that ridiculous show. Also the people who don't mind rapping in Twix commercials like Lil' Bow Wow. LOOKA DEM BUCKS ROLL IN. All in all, I'd say this Madden rapping feller takes the cake.

This song was terrible the first time I heard it. However, I had to hear it again and again and again and again and again without pause. You see, my roommate spent a lot of time in some mode of the game (I think it's called Franchise Mode) in which you basically just manage your team for days (literally) at a time in order to make them supah bad ass. You don't even play any games, you just let the game do it for you and then it tells you the outcome. FUN, HUH?! I don't understand why people like this enjoy this garbage but dislike RPGs. I'm not a huge fan of them myself but in either case you're just making selections and watching the outcome and with an RPG there's at least some action on the screen showing the outcome of your decisions and not just text going "You done beat up the football guys." GOLLY, I went way off track but that's okay because I was still talking about the game...sorta. Anyway, about the song.

So I had to hear this song a lot and the sad thing is a lot of it is now permanently burned into a spot on my brain that I'm trying to schedule a lobotomy for. Let me tell you some of the ingenious lyrics that this rapping money man made up. They are ultraspecial, to say the least.

First of all he says something that sounds like this, "Maag rapper of the world, John Madden!" It sounds to me like he's trying to say John Madden is a rapper here. I'm not sure what kind of rapper because I don't know what the first thing he says is but it sounds like "maag." Even so, I don't think John Madden's a rapper. I'm pretty damn sure he's a sports broadcaster which is why this confuses me so. It's also irritating. You know, like every part of this rap. Also, when he says this part he often follows it up by proclaiming "EA Sports!" several times. EA Sports is the company that made the game. Free advertising! WOO DOGGY! Thanks for reminding me who made the game, sir.

Here are some other lines I can remember offhand (I'll be damned if I'm figuring out all the lyrics to this piece of garbage). "FRUSTRATION! Aggravation on the sidelines while I'm pumpin' my hand in celebration." I hate it when he says "FRUSTRATION" because he does this thing that makes his voice crack and sounds like a real moron. I think he does it deliberately but it makes me want to shoot puppies. As for the hand pumpin', it's nice that he's taken a break from endorsing the game but the fact that he filled the space with discussion of his masturbatory habits does not make me smile much.

"Battle march hail MARRRY!!" I think that's what he says here. I'm not sure why he's citing part of a Catholic prayer but he does it with a bunch of other guys at once with some odd trill on his voice that makes me want to strangle bunnies.

"Y'all players need to switch up your offensive patterns!" This line is probably the stupidest one they have. It seems that the man is telling you how to play the game. It just sounds so, so stupid. If this rap had any merit in it whatsoever before (and it doesn't), it would have negated it all right at this line. These are the kind of lyrics that destroy entire countries. Don't ask me how, I just think it's possible. I hate this song so much already but this line in particular makes me want to resort to microwaving iguanas.

If you like football you might like this game. I don't really know and I don't really care. Fact is, the rap accompanying the menu screens in this game is enough to make me hate this game more than most other things in the world with perhaps the only exception being reality television but we'll talk about that more some other time, yes? EA Sports!!!!

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