Review By: Gringo

Ever wanted to be Fidel Castro?

Didn't think so. But just in case someone out there wanted to try their hand at being a quasi-dictator of a banana republic somewhere in South America (stupid comedy beard and "I'm still a Communist man of the people even though I live in a palace" army khakis optional), there's a game called Tropico.

Made for the PC (maybe some other zoobabba machines too, but I didn't bother checking), it's a strategy game putting you - friendless, greasy, sweaty fat dork at his or, less likely, her - unless you're a fat bitch - computer...ALONE - in charge of a small island.

You've got to use your cunning and guile (I don't know what that means but it sounds clever) to build up the island into either a Communist utopia or a capitalist's dream. This can be achieved by paying everyone the same wage and shunning the western world to achieve the former, or embracing loaded tourists and selling out to the USA for the latter.

Sounds good, hmm?! Well, it's okay. Like most strategy games that involve building up towns or islands, after a certain point you get a bit bored. HOWEVER! There is one crucial difference with this game, and it involves bodily functions.

Oh yes. When starting a new game, you get to choose the flaws, skills and biography of your dictator/president/George W. Bush running the island. What you choose can have a great effect on certain actions. For example, if you choose paranoia as a flaw, the police state level of your island rises, and liberty falls. But fuck the people! The people are dumb!

Also, there is a flaw for farting. I ticked the box next to it because it made me giggle like a fairy on a bicycle.

To play this game, you have to set up basic island infrastructure and economy. This means farms to make food for the greedy pigs, marketplaces and sweatshops to give them jobs and eventually tourist trap hotels for the stupid Americans (if there isn't an embargo on travel to your island). It's not too difficult, but it can get tiresome, having to build something in order to be allowed to have another. I soon had the cheat codes on.

The graphics are quite good, given the fact it's nothing more than Sim Tropical Island. You want a better discussion of the images in the game? Go ask somebody who cares!

Similarly, the music is good as it's all tropical beats and oosha moosha BABBA BOOSHA! Fuck this paragraph!

So the graphics, game and music are all rather nice, but that is not the reason I am writing this review. Nor is it simply to kill time! Oh no! While it's a good game to get, I think everyone would have happier faces if they bought the sequel, funnily enough called Tropico 2: Pirate Cove. It involves wenches, pirating and maybe also VD and I will review it soon.

Also, Fidel Castro is vehemently anti-gay. I find it amusing the gay district in San Francisco is called the Castro. Even so, keep your penis away from my mouth and butt, homo.

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