Sam & Max Hit The Road
Review By: Joe

GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCKERS?!? I'M IN A BAD FUCKIN' MOOD!! So what better time to write a review of a game I like?! SHIT YEAH! BUTT ASS!

Back in the day, when I actually HAD this game, my friend and I thought we were the pioneers of comedy by calling it "Spam & Plax Shit in the Commode"! HAHAHAHA! GODDAMN! I used to be so creative! Ohhhh what happened?

Anyway, this was a LucasArts adventure game and a damn fine one at that. Day Of The Tentacle is better but this game was quite nice as well. The fine folks at LucasArts recently said "WE GONNA STOP MAKING ONLY SHITTY STAR WARS GAMES AND ACTUALLY MAKE SOME MORE ADVENTURE GAMES AGAIN...Oh, and Gladius for the dorks." They were going to make a sequel to this game as well as a sequel to Full Throttle but you know what they did instead?! That's right! They cancelled both, effectively getting rid of any and all of their adventure gaming production! Nice! Good thing Gladius is so fuckin' awesome! HAW HAW HAW!!! WHO THE HELL PLAYS TURN-BASED GAMES (besides Worms I mean)?! The same number of people who read this site...NOBODY! KISS MY ASS!

Anyway, the first game is still very good. I have to review it based on memory and I will tell you a story why that is because that means less actual reviewing and more fun for me! More bore for you.

I used to have this game and a bunch of other adventure games and then one day, I'm not quite sure how because it must have involved me telling him I owned all these games at some point, it came about that this kid at my school (this was probably like junior high) named Ziggy asked me if he could borrow a bunch of these games from me. Now, I'm an overly amiable sonofabitch so I obliged and gave him, Jesus Christ I dunno, seems like a CUNTLOAD of my games. Not only that, but some of them had the boxes and manuals and crap with them. Yeah! I was a dumb little kid! I don't know what the hell I was doing! Of course my Freshman year of college I also lent out my PlayStation 2 and it was subsequently "LIFTED" as the kids say by none other than Ziminklies of comic-fame. You heard me. So, yeah, apparently I never really learn to not trust motherfuckers.

At any rate, Ziggy kept my games for quite some time and whenever I asked for them back got some sort of response to the effect of forgetting to bring them as well as something about how they got CRUSHED BEHIND A DOOR when his aunt opened it. Yeah, makes sense to me too. Eventually it came down to me calling Ziggy's house (I somehow finagled his number) and getting his aunt on the phone (evidently he came from one of those broken homes I hear about in the movies because AIN'T NO MOMMA N' DADDA!). His aunt sounded annoyed that Ziggy had my games and asked me for the names and wrote them all down.

Not that long after, Ziggy, looking especially sheepish, came to my house with his aunt beside him and returned all of my games. Most of them were just placed in this one box because all of the boxes I stupidly gave him were, as mentioned, crushed behind a door or something. I actually didn't get all of my games back. He had apparently gotten Police Quest 2 out of some other poor sap and it ended up with me. I had given him the first Police Quest (the new, pretty version mind you!!!) but I got back the second one instead. I mentioned this to him and he nervously muttered "C'mon, man, please just take it" because evidently his aunt would beat him with the belt again if she found out anything was missing or incorrect. I wasn't that annoyed. I got to play a different game and neither game was anything all that special anyhow. I also noticed that he had to re-buy Space Quest V. God knows what he did to my original copy but the one I ended up with was shittier as Sierra had sold the series off to some other distribution company called SLASH! so it was an overall cheaper package. Woop!

Later in my life, Ziggy threatened to beat hurt me physically for complaining about some kids throwing stuff at me while I was made to write something on the board. As a result, he's always held a place in my heart.

To make a long story end, Sam & Max was one of the games I did get back but it looked as though it had been raped with a Teflon penis (yes). It was so fucked up and scratched that when I installed it I couldn't get past the opening movie. At some point in the future, my fat friend got one of those nifty Game Doctors that heals scratches on CDs for you like magic. If I had kept the CD until then I'd probably still have it but I didn't because, at the time, there was no Game Doctor and I said "IT IS HOPELESS!" and destroyed the CD into pieces just to make everything nice and final.

That said, it was a rather fun game. The graphics were cool and cartoony and it was certainly a challenge. Some of the puzzles were honestly so wacky I wonder if anyone would figure them out though. I know this was one of those games that if you bought the CD version it came with the strategy guide so I, as a stupid little kid, pretty much cheated the whole way through and ruined the whole damn thing for myself Anyway, I still like this game and LucasArts is gay for canceling the sequel, which was supposedly very near completion. It's still worth picking the first game up. You can get it for super cheap. I think the LucasArts website still offers it. Maybe. Yup!

I've seen Ziggy since at a few shitty odd jobs. He was working as the guy who sits you or something at Charlie Brown's and then also at the Electronics Boutique at my mall. HAHA! You suck, Ziggy!


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