Bible Adventures
Review By: Lauren

When I was a small child of about five or six, my friend got a new game called Bible Adventures. His mom was a strict Baptist and this was about the only game he had. It wasn't as bad as you would think, despite all the obvious religious propaganda. It's actually quite fun, and there are three different games.

And God said unto Japan: Let them play Nintendo! And so we did! And the first game I played is called Noah's Ark.

In this game you are Noah and run around picking up animals and throwing them into the Ark. But watch out! Some animals are nasty little heathens like those Arabs and like to injure you.

Watch out, Noah!

Certain animals you can just pick up, but others need something special, like: "To get the monkey you must first find the banana", as Jesus once said. I found out that I cuss way too much to be playing Bible Adventures. That tricky little horse tried my patience! "Just pick up the fuckin horse Noah! God Damnit!"

Hahaha! Gottcha, ya little bastard! Now get in the ark before I turn you into holy glue!

If you are unfortunate enough to get hurt by the animals you can always gain back health by reading scriptures! Yay! First you have to find a little tablet, then just lift it up and watch as the Infinite Wisdom of God graces your screen.

You see that! It says: "But whoever Listens To Me." So you better listen to God and start coming here more often and donating money to us! You're making the baby Jesus cry and you don't want that. You wouldn't like him when he is angry.

The second game on Bible Adventures is called Baby Moses. It also happens to be my least favorite game and also the hardest. The object of this game is to get baby Moses to the end of the level without dying by avoiding spiders, guards, and dudes that throw bricks. But this game sucked ass so...

So long, King of Jews! Into the Nile you go!

The last and most fun game of all is called David and Goliath! Although you only see David and there is no Goliath. As David, you must collect all the sheep while avoiding other dangerous animals. Sometimes the sheep are a real pain in the stigmata.

I usually just stack them all on my head at once and then throw them into the corral of Goodness. I call this the "sheep stack" method which is ironically a game played at the Scotland Highland Games.

This game is pretty fun and entertaining although the controls kinda suck, even for a NES game. I also wish there was a fourth game where you get to run around as a hardcore evangelist Christian stoning Jews/minorities/homosexuals to death with large rocks. That would kick rear!

All the religious propaganda was annoying, but they will never get me! Hey whoa! Would you look at the time, I have to go read my proverbs. Beya!


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