Tomb Raider: The Angel Of Darkness
Review By: Joe

The new Tomb Raider (I think it's the sixth at this point) just came out rather recently. I was actually intending to review this game two years ago based on three things.

One - Every single Tomb Raider game since the first one has been hyped to shit by producer Eidos and developer Core.

They have, for EVERY SINGLE GAME IN THE SERIES, said something to the effect of "We have revamped everything! Everything be different, new, better, special!! You won't believe what we can do with concentration!!!"

Every time this has happened I have successfully predicted that, no, nothing will be different and everything will, in fact, be exactly the same. The controls will suck, the gameplay will suck, the graphics will suck, etc. etc. Sometimes, I have worried that I will be wrong as the release approaches but then the game comes out, poor reviews ensue, and I smile broadly and think to myself, "Oh, how smart it is to be me!!" All they ever actually improve upon is the 3D model of Lara. They spend a hell of a lot of time on them titties. They jiggle in this new one, actually! PROGRESS N' INNOVATION!!

Two - The developers of the Tomb Raider series, Core Design, are physically inept at making good games.

They CANNOT for the life of them produce anything that is even remotely playable. Aside from the Tomb Raider series, Core has also produced such gems as Ninja: Shadow of Darkness (I think that's the name but I don't care enough to check) and Herdy Gerdy. Both of these games suck like poop on a house. Herdy Gerdy might even be remotely fun (I know I am not the only one who thinks herding is AWESOME!!!) if it wasn't made by a company that turns brown all that they touch.

Three - I saw the game at E3 two years ago.

Ja, I managed to finagle my way into E3 (as did Gringo, although he only stayed for like an hour) about two years ago and, although I never did, I was supposed to write up an overview of all the stupid nonsense I did while there. I also planned to give my impression of this new Tomb Raider at the time and say "Piece of shit!" If I had done so, the site would've looked classy! And I would've looked smart and cool for saying that the game was going to suck because it is now out and every magazine except Maxim (seriously) has said it is awful. Then the girls would have wanted me and things would have been different. As it is, however, I will tell you this story now and I will not look as cool and people will spit on me and then I will move to a leper colony and start a humble pottery business.

So, my tubby friend and I see the Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness booth on the E3 floor and I say something to the effect of "Hey, that game is going to suck, let us go inspect it." We walk over there and discover that it is not actually playable because Eidos sucks and Core sucks. However!!! You can watch an Eidos executive play the game instead. Exciting?! You bet!! So as we walk over there and this is the first (and only) bit of Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness that we witness:

Lara Croft is running towards the end of a ledge, she jumps off the ledge and falls into the darkness around her. She reaches a floor and continues to fall right through it and she keeps falling as the level falls away and the screen around her becomes black. After a moment of this, the Eidos man playing the game looks around a bit nervously and then proceeds to reset the system. We laugh at his misfortune and walk away. "Yes! That game is going to suck!" says I!

AND LOOK HOW RIGHT I WAS!!

THE END!!!


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