Syberia
Review By: Joe

Hello, how are you today? That is great! Anyway! It feels like I never produce anything for this site anymore. I wonder why that is...OH! Probably because IT IS TRUE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You gonna eat it. So, basically, the reason you are being graced with my presence, you lowly scum, is that I have a ten-page essay to write for my stupidgay English class tomorrow and, for some reason, whenever I have to type up something for class, I say "I cannot believe they expect me to generate so many pages of this nonsense!" and so I instead generate countless pages of nonsense for this site. It's really quite strange when you think about it. I seem to have some great aversion to typing up my work and yet I don't mind writing bullshit like this as yet another diversion before I finally decide about two minutes before the start of class that this procrastination silliness must come to a close and I finally bang out an awful essay within five to eight seconds. Y'all heard!

I remember when I titled this review it said "Syberia" on it! I wonder why I would bother referencing that game here when clearly all I'm doing is ranting about my stupid, shitty, uninteresting life. You know, your guess is as good as mine here and perhaps, someday, together, we shall go on a scavenger hunt! The hunt will last for days, hours, weeks, possibly cupcakes and eventually we will find and assemble the many battered, broken, and disseminated pieces of my life wherever I may have left them over all four corners (y'all heard) of the world and we shall piece them together and I SHALL BE WHOLE AGAIN! Then you and I shall continue on this journey we call narcolepsy I mean insomnia I mean life. What?

Syberia is this adventure game that I bought at Best Buy with the use of a Best Buy gift certificate card that I got from my aunt for Christmas. On the card was a nice, round sum of $30. Quite conveniently, Syberia happens to be priced at $30. So, listen, right? I go to the Best Buy and they don't even have the game and I swear I was there only like a week ago and they had it then. I ended up going back two more times because I'll be damned if I'm spending any real money on this game at another store. That last sentence changed from past to present tense somewhere in the middle there. GRAMMAR COMMANDMENT BROKEN! TENSE CONFUSION! CONFUUUUUSION!

So anyway, the Best Buy never fucking had the game and it really pissed me off. That was the Best Buy at home. Eventually I had to come back to my crapcollege and I visited the Best Buy up here. They had Syberia in stock like it wasn't funny. I was like yeah! So I bought the game. It actually was $32 with tax so I had to pay $2 out of my own pocket. DAMN YOU BEST BUY!!!! Interesting, no? Now that I've summed up the plot, we can get to the gameplay.

Syberia is about as standard as you can get with an adventure game. This came out last year so nobody has any reason to read my review. Just thought I would interject that there because I write like my brain functions so I PASTA IS NICE I'm sorry what was I talking I NEED ME A SODA!!! So, right, basically the game plays like any other adventure game you've ever played.

Of course, I realize that none of you have played any adventure games because you all grew up on your internet games and your Project Pat. Boy, please, whatevah! You know, back when I was a kid, if you decided to alienate yourself why, by God, you were alienated! You stayed inside and played video games by yourself! You didn't have any goddamned virtual playmates to reach out to over a bloody phone line! Shit! All our angsty, isolated kids who have decided to make a conscious effort to withdraw themselves from society aren't developing into the superfreaky loners they're supposed to anymore! Now they've got a whole group of dorks just like them to reach out to anytime they friggin' feel like it! Now they don't feel lonely anymore because there are people out there on the internet who UNDERSTAND THEM. Now they don't have to make deep cuts into their arms in order to release tension. They can just go into some gay forum and be all like "I SWEAR EVERYONE IN MY SCHOOL IS STUPID!" and then some other dorkfuck will post a reply like "HEY! ME TOO! GODDAMN! WE ARE THINKING ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH! THIS IS CONNECTING, MAN, CONNECTING!!! IT'S METRICS, MAN, METRICS!!"

So, basically, instead of getting some weird-ass kid who listens to Marilyn Manson and is all fucked up in the head, we get some pussy geek who doesn't know shit about shit! Instead of shooting up a school, they start some awful website like this one and they just chill at home and write rancid trash that nobody should ever care about but there are people who DO care; the other dorks who SHOULD be out there spreading the pessimism and hate are instead also in front of their goddamned screens going, "BY GOLLY, I AGREE WITH WHAT THIS MAN SAYS!!" Then they grow up and they start networking companies and shit and that garbage is BORING. You pick which is the lesser of two evils: Columbine-like incidents or networking companies and then you get back to me. I think you will find your minds a turnin'.

About Syberia...it wasn't that bad but there are so many better classics by Lucasarts and even Sierra than this game. The puzzles are incredibly easy and I never had to consult a walkthrough of any sort. I actually enjoyed the story pretty well but that's probably because I'm a dork. Actually, I was really getting into the story right when it abruptly ended, which is my super sly way of telling you that it was too short. As for sound, there was not that much music in it and it seemed to just pop up every time I solved a puzzle and sometimes it would be on too loudly and I couldn't hear dialogue so that was pretty cool.

Oh, and the voice acting is pretty annoying and some people keep slipping in and out of their dialects. The main character's voice isn't that bad but sometimes she says really stupid shit and you wanna slap her even though she has a nice 3D-rendered buttocks. Oh and every time someone calls you on your cell phone in the game it is very annoying. Oh oh! My boss who seems quite unsure as to whether he's a middle-class businessman or a Brooklyn native keeps calling me! Listen to him yell! This furthers the plot quite nicely, oh yes!

This game got reviewed pretty well I think and Gamespot keeps singing its praises like it's the second coming of fudge or something. Well, it's not. I enjoyed it myself but, once again, I've played so much better and if you aren't into adventure games, this game is just going to make you wonder what people see in them even more. If you are into adventure games, there's a good chance that this was the best one of 2002. I don't know that for a fact really but considering the fact that I'm only aware of the release of one other old-school type of adventure game for the entire year, I'd say it's quite possible. Gamespot agrees with me! A-doi doi doi!!!

Oh, the graphics in this game are pretty damned low-key. 3D characters on top of pre-rendered backgrounds with little to no (usually no) animation within said backgrounds. It all looks very low budget which makes sense because this game is evidently from THE ADVENTURE COMPANY!!! and you can tell by their name (although the catalog that came inside the box helped too) that all they make is shitty, low-budget adventure games with pre-rendered 2D backgrounds. This is like their big game so that's why they put it on two CDs. Frankly, I can't see anything so flashy in the game that would push it onto a second CD so I think they just did it to look cool. I think my buying this game probably broke their sales records because I'd imagine nobody ever buys any of their games ever so they are probably laughing at me and rolling around in my aunt's $30 and my $2 and going "THIS IS A PEAK YEAR FOR US, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT!". HEY, FUCK YOU, ADVENTURE COMPANY!!

Here is how I will close this review, ok? You see, the game has a bunch of graphic options you can either turn on or off depending on the power of your graphics card. Apparently, if you suck too much, you should turn these options off because it will make funny things happen. Well, I got a new computer recently which is nice but the graphics card, although 3D accelerated, is from some shitty no-name company, Craphix or something. I turned on all the effects REGARDLESS OF ALL WARNING and funny things did happen indeed. The characters now began to appear on top of objects they were supposed to disappear behind, making it even more difficult to believe that 3D people were running around in a 2D environment. I thought about turning off the snazzy options so that this might not happen but I decided that my high quality graphical needs were too great so I just played the game like this and laughed at it because it happened all the time.

Anyhoo, here be some pictures, baby:

Silly fatty! Quit clippin' through dat counter!

Looka her! Get out da bucket, ya dumb bitch!

I don't really get what happened here but it looks funny


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