Mafia
Review By: Gringo

As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster. Instead, God or Allah or whatever decided I'd be an obnoxious prick who thought he'd be really clever putting Goodfellas references in his reviews.

Being that as it may, it's time for another finely crafted review that will surely see me elevated into the pantheon of writing fame. Guessed what it is yet? Well, if the gangsters connection wasn't enough, how about the clues that this review is in the VIDEO GAMES section and that it's titled Mafia. You still don't know? You fucking varmint! Dance! Dance! YAHOO, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

Yes, this is a review of the PC game Mafia and for those retarded simpletons out there who can't get past three paragraphs, let me sum it up for you: it's a fucking excellent game. I thought it might be funny to try and sneak the word 'fucking' into every sentence, because Goodfellas had something like the record number of uses of the word. But then I realised that particular comedy train has already departed to Loserton. And it's fucking standing room only!

I like how Microsoft Word doesn't suggest swearwords as alternatives when you right-click on a miss-spelt word. Seriously, type 'ucking' and you'll be offered bucking, lucking, ducking, mucking and sucking...but no fucking! THE FUCK?

Okay, so Mafia puts you in the role of Tommy, a guy who slowly gets dragged into the 1920s gangster lifestyle in a town called Lost Heaven. You're working for a fat old Italian called Salieri, and the entire game revolves around you driving around, doing missions like murders or bank robberies for Mr. Fatty.

So far, so Grand Theft Auto III. Except it's not. In fact, you're a prick for making the lazy comparison that driving + missions = GTAIII ALWAYS. The two games are vastly different. Whereas the former is boom-boom-kilbabba-kooptow, Mafia's got more brains and - shock horror! - some of the missions don't even involve violence.

Although, having said that, perhaps the greatest scene in this game has you chasing a traitor down, to shoot him in the face. Good enough on that description, given the quality of what you're playing, but enhanced immeasurably by the fact you're chasing a fat guy in HIS UNDERWEAR. You start the level with your mob boss Salieri by your side. Remember this!

As you run after the traitor, down the fire escape on the side of a high-rise building, the fat guy's wife screams and begs you not to hurt Mr. Underwear. Salieri shouts back "Shut up, lady, or you're next!" I don't know why, but this made do the proverbial laugh-out-loud.

Add this kind of comedy genius to the excellent graphics (fine details, lots of variety from a posh, leafy suburb to a downtown slum area) and cracking music, and you've got a great game. The atmosphere is enough to make you think you really are living in the 1920s. Of course, I don't actually think I'm in the 1920s, that's just odd. And I'm not one of those historical recreation pricks. You know the type, they go round staging battles from wars long past for no good reason. You think I'm one of them? What am I? A schmuck on wheels?

No more Goodfellas references, I promise. So, how much do I like Mafia? Lots! Although the cars are clunky, the game's darn funky. My only quibble (it's not showing up red in Microsoft Word, so it must be a real word) with the game is that it can take quite some time to load certain levels. And I don't like waiting. Why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy? Oops, I did it again!


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