BMX XXX
Review By: Joe

You know, I don't mind developers pushing the envelope on games when it comes to mature themes and such. Games like Grand Theft Auto III are the types of games that make me respect the people who made them. With a game like GTAIII, the limits of freedom of speech are tested and certain lines are crossed that probably should be crossed. Simply put, if you're gonna make a game about mobsters who go around killing people and committing other such crimes, it SHOULD be mature, it SHOULD be fucked up, and it SHOULD be violent. If any of these themes were candy-coated in any way, we would be babying up the idea of what it is to be a gangster and what it is like to kill somebody. I'm not saying that, for example, the blood gushing out of the person you've just killed in GTAIII makes you feel bad about the fact that you just shot their head off. In fact, from what I've witnessed, it makes most people cackle in an evil manner.

What I'm trying to say is that if there weren't blood, it would look mighty stupid and that it's not entirely impossible that, were this the case, there'd be stupid parents who would say "Hey! I can get that for my kid! No blood means no naughty!" NO, FAG, NO. GTAIII is a game for MATURE PEOPLE. This is why it is bad, it is naughty, it is bloody, and it should not be otherwise. The only people who should be playing these games are the people who are old enough to handle them. Hence, all the mature content should be there because lessening it would just be stupid. Another thing about GTAIII (and Vice City, I might add, just because I haven't up until this point) is that there's a damn good game backing it up...a damn FUCKING good game. FUCKING! Hee! Bad words funny. It is when all these factors come together that I respect a developer's decision to make their game for adults only because they have a good reason for it. However, there are times when the use of mature themes is completely uncalled for and, frankly, goddamned stupid. Enter BMX XXX, a shithouse spectacular of the stupidest kind!!!

(PLEASE NOTE: I haven't actually played this game but I've read enough about it to know what to expect. Honestly, there's much more competent reviews of this game on the internet that will tell you roughly the same thing as I'm about to so why you would take my opinion over some sort of video game site is beyond me but...oh yeah! Because this site's free! You gotsta have a membership for most of that other shit! Woo! Eat it!)

For those of you that don't know, there has been a series coming out of Acclaim for a little while now known as Dave Mirra's Freestyle BMX. I've only played a demo of the first game in the series and, from what I understand from reviews and such, it's not a particularly great franchise. There's simply too many other EXTREME!!! games out there that kick the shit out of this one, namely, the Tony Hawk series and, I suppose, Mat Hoffman's BMX, although we all know the only series anyone really cares about is Tony Hawk. Regardless, Dave Mirra's happy games have had their little place in the gaming scene for awhile now because I guess some people still buy them. However, it would seem that Acclaim doesn't think nearly enough people are buying them. So what to do but add PORN, PORN, PORN, STUPID JOKES, AND PORN to the series even though it makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE IN THE CONTEXT OF A BMX GAME!!!! Thus, we have BMX XXX.

I read about this game some time ago in an issue of the Official Playstation Magazine, which I have a subscription to mostly because I haven't bothered to tell my mother not to renew it anymore. Also, you get a free PS2 demo CD with each issue, which I feel is pretty keen. Yay! Anyhow, one thing I have to commend the editors of the magazine for is that they talked about this game like the garbage it was from the very first time they previewed it. Essentially, Acclaim is trying to (and will likely succeed at) selling this crap game based on a gimmick. The gimmick here is that the game has a lot of naughty things in it like bad words, nudity (real ones and 3D rendered boobs too, yow!), and some violence too I think.

The way I see it, it'd be one thing if the mature stuff in this game was there for a reason but lemme ask you kids this: when was the last time you watched a BMX competition and noticed that the girls participating had their boobies completely out and flailin' about all crazy-like? Well, I suppose it's possible as FOX does have quite a bit of trash on TV these days but what I'm saying is that this game comes off as nothing but a gimmick because that's exactly what it is. I don't know much about extreme sports but I don't think large amounts of vulgarity have ever been a part of them. Dave Mirra apparently noticed this as well because his name is off of this crap game now (it was originally called Dave Mirra BMX XXX but I guess someone thought to finally tell the guy what they were doing to his series) and there are no licensed pros in the game at all.

Let's talk about some more specific bullshit, as in the shame-shame stuff you can find in this crapfactory of a game. One thing is the ability to unlock short videos of real-life strippers shakin' it, sometimes topless. OH BABY!! You can only get this on X-Box though because Bill Gates likes tits. The PS2 version's strippers are more clothed. In addition, you can unlock girl skaters who bike around topless. The nipples are evidently rendered for realism (thank goodness!) but, once again, only on X-Box. The girlies of the PS2 version get a big black line over their polygonal nipples. DAMN SHAME I ONLY HAVE A PS2. SO MAD!! SOOOOO MAAAAAAAAD!!!

The humor is also a naughty in this game and I've heard of a few of the jokes and they mostly appear to involve things like peanut salesmen saying "GET YOUR HOT SALTY NUT SACKS!" and hot dog men vocalizing offers of wieners of sorts. It's become clear to me from a few examples that the jokes in this game would not make me laugh. Say! Have you seen Not Another Teen Movie??? Yeah, that was one of the worst attempts at a comedy movie I've ever seen in my entire life. Frankly, it was so bad it offended me a bit. Let's put it this way, if you disagree with me about my opinion of that film, you'll probably like BMX XXX. Also, you and I will never be friends. Sad, really! Although, it is awesome that I just did the job of reviewing Not Another Teen Movie within a few sentences instead of subjecting you poor people to a whole other review of it, don't you think? No? YOU! YOU SHUT UP! Angelo, you ruined the party!!!

Basically, it's really easy to see BMX XXX for what it is, a stupid gimmick. This game is full of some of the most immature mature content I've probably ever encountered (although I didn't ever play that Conker's Bad Butt Day or whatever). The only thing this game accomplishes by containing the content that it does is that it will sell more units to stupid people and kids, if they can manage to get their hands on it somehow because, if you think about it, kids (and really stupid people) are the only ones who would want this game. People who are mature enough will realize that, one, this game is not going to make them laugh and, two, if they want to see nudity, they can rent some porn. They don't need to plop down a significant wad of cash just to play a mediocre biking game laced with boobs and profanity. Children, however, are more shielded from the wonderful world of boobs and profanity and, hence, will start an entire underground black market that deals only with the illegal selling and purchasing of this game. Eventually it will turn into a huge child crime syndicate with pastries and such but that's not the point. Woah! What was I talking about?! I should take Ritalin! Speed is good for you!

The other thing this game may accomplish is media attention and, you know what, Jimmy, this really isn't the sort of attention the video game industry needs. If you're gonna be pushing the envelope on freedom of speech, I feel you should have a reason to do it. GTAIII had a reason. This game doesn't. If this game does attract media attention, it will probably get labeled as trash, and rightly so. The only possible outcome, if any, that this game could have would be one that is debilitating to the games industry. Honestly, I really don't think anyone cares enough about this game for anything like this to actually happen but all I'm saying is that this stupid game isn't helping anyone out...except dem kids who wanna see da boobs on dere.

I decided to type this review up on a whim as I just happened to glance at Gamespot.com today (also on a whim! I was all whimmy today!) and noticed that the review for this game was up. Here is what I also noticed! Gamespot always tells you at the bottom of their site what the most popular games (meaning which ones are getting clicked on the most) are at the moment. I don't check it every day because I pretend to have a life sometimes but I noticed Grand Theft Auto: Vice City had been up at number one for quite awhile and it perfectly deserved that spot as it's an amazing piece of game. Today, however, Vice City was pushed down to spot four to make room for these three winners in this order:

            1. BMX XXX
            2. WWE SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth
            3. Medal of Honor Allied Assault: Spearhead

I'll break down for you exactly what this means:

BMX XXX - Stupid dorks and children are real interested in this game simply because of the boobs and the bad words and Acclaim is accomplishing exactly what they had hoped to; the game is getting attention simply for it's stupid mature content, even though the quality of the game since the last in the series hasn't really improved at all in any way.

WWE SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth - Gamespot.com is an American site so I'd imagine that the people who visit it are predominantly American. This shows you just how many rednecks we've got in this fine country. Although, I'll admit this game is probably decent and actually fun to play, unlike BMX XXX.

Medal of Honor Allied Assault: Spearhead - Although this is a good series, I doubt that's entirely why it's number three on the popularity list. Like I said, this is an American site. TAKE DAT ENEMIES! WE SHOOT YOU!

Final note: Those of you who are trying to formulate some sort of ironic point in your head about the fact that this website tends to frequently use "mature" language even though it's really not ever called for can shut up because I already thought of that. Besides, you're all cuntfucking asslickers anyway. Bahahaha! Funny!


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