Xenogears
Review By: Mack Salmon

Xenogears is a RPG from Squaresoft released in the wake of Final Fantasy 7. Xenogears didn't do quite so well as FFVII, but nevertheless has an impressive fanbase. "But what do *I* think of the game?" you beg of me, hoping for the smallest speck of opinion. Well, why don't I tell you?

The game starts off charmingly enough, with the main character being Fei Fong Wong (*snicker*) and preparing for the marriage of your two best friends, Timothy and Alice. But, in typical RPG fashion, all goes wrong, and lotsa people die. Somehow, they blame you for this, and in typical RPG fashion, are exiled from your home, with only your friend Dr. Citan, and a big fucking robot to accompany you.

Now, my favorite part of this game is the fact that your party fights in huge fucking humanoid shaped robots. Of course, Fei refuses to fight and gets all whiny about it when he's eventually forced to. It's like Gundam Wing, with twice the angst and half the homosexuality. Eventually, you'll round out the entire cast of RPG stereotypes: The woman, the annoying guy, the powerful monster who has a heart of gold and a lousy hit rate, the spunky little girl, the useless and annoying mascot, and probably a few more that I don't care about enough to mention.

The plot is alright, but a bit too linear. A sequence in a prison camp takes forever, and really isn't all that important, but it still takes about two hours to get the hell out of the damn place. Not to mention the long winded dialouge! In fact, once you get to the second disc, you won't PLAY so much of the game as you will watch a character sitting in a chair DESCRIBE all the exciting things that happen. For hours and hours and hours. One of the most astounding shortfalls of modern RPGs is the fact that you have absolutely no control over the most exciting parts, and the actual fights are boring as hell.

Although there is a fun combo feature, which lets you get pounded on for a while and then do a bunch of attacks in sequence. Instead of just hitting the badguy, see? It makes sense because...screw it. Screw this review. I don't like Xenogears! The plot sucks and the religious overtones are stupid! Especially when everyone gets crucified for no apparent reason, and THEN it rips off Star Wars! Christ! And the name of the game sucks, too! Xenogears is the last big robot you get, and it's called Xenogears even though there's only one! Fuck! And the two dimensional sprites in a 3D environment induces nausea! As does just about everything else about the game.

At least there's a fun fighting game near the end. Get a turbo controller to zip through the miles of dialouge, and use a Gameshark to cheat your way through, so you can play the fighting game.

2.5 thumbs up for the cool fighting game near the end.


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