Stuntman
Review By: Ross

Stuntman is a stupid, stupid game. It makes me want to kill cute little animals. The plot is fairly simple and equally enticing: you're a Hollywood stuntman and you do your job on the sets of different movies. However, this game makes a cool profession like that into the most aggravating and unfun game I've ever been stupid enough to rent. Games are a simulation of real life, and so are movies. This crappy game is a simulation of a simulation of real life.

The first movie is set in London, so you're maneuvering through a lot of little streets. You have to get everything exactly right or the scene stops and you're forced to reset. Running into anything and having to accelerate again takes too much time off and you have to start over. Apparently, the developers figured that instead of making the game full of long, fun levels, they'd make it full of short ones that take you 30 minutes to complete because you have to do them over and over again. The missions that are of a reasonable length are even worse, because you can't save in the middle of them. When you fuck up, you have to go through every single annoying jump all over again. I hate the developers.

This game is made even stupider because everything is completely linear, i.e. there is only one way to do any given level or you hear the annoying voice of the director shouting, "Cut! Cut! Do it over! I am a fat stupid manwhore! I like penises!" As it turns out, the next film is just as anal-retentive (I said 'penis' and 'anal', this is the best review I've ever written) about doing things its way, but the level is open so it's impossible to figure out where the hell you're supposed to go. I don't know about the rest of the game, because I haven't gotten past the second film. My controller can only stand being hurled against the wall a few more times, so I'm going to save that for the next stupidass game this company releases.

The graphics are mediocre PS2 fare, so it pretty much looks like a last-generation N64 title with shitty textures. Speaking of the N64, maybe I'll go play Yoshi Story because it's about a thousand times less gay than Stuntman. And that really says something.

I can tell whoever made this was trying to capitalize on the success of GTA3, because all the movies/missions so far have had to do with organized crime and driving recklessly. They did a poor job of capitalizing however, because this is pretty much the worst missions thrown into a steaming pile of DVD. There's a few more modes this game has to offer that may be not as frustrating, but frankly I don't give two shits because career mode sucks so bad.

This is the kitten from Joe's Ring Of Red review; you can continue looking at it because playing Stuntman isn't any better.


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