Duck Hunt
Review By: Mack Salmon

(Reviewer's note: When you say 'Duck Hunt' fast, it sounds like 'Duck Cunt.')

For the love of god, choose the plumber.

When Nintendo unleashed the Nintendo Entertainment System on the world in 1984, the world had changed. The days of begging your mother for quarters to blow on whatever the hell arcade game was popular at the time were gone. The days of unpopular kids having nothing entertaining to do were gone. The days of playing outside were gone! What they were replaced with: an Italian plumber gets bigger after eating mushrooms he finds in blocks he breaks with his head, and stomps on evil mushrooms and turtles to save a princess. But included on that much missed console feature, the pack in game ("First one's always free, kid.") was another game that would have a decidedly lesser impact on the gaming world: Duck Hunt.

A still from the scrapped live action version of Duck Hunt

Duck Hunt at first seems like a simplistic game, but upon further investigation it is in fact confirmed to be a simplistic game. Duck Hunt is actually the forerunner of all hunting games, including Deer Hunter, Bass Fishing, Seal Clubber, and Deer Hunter 2. The premise of the game is simple, a duck will fly onto the screen, and you will shoot it until it dies or flies away. Duck Hunt was the first game to utilize the fledging video game paraphel known as the "light gun." Not many people know how the light gun works, but I'll outline it quickly for you, the reader:

1.Person pulls trigger on gun after aiming at video game duck.
2.Television screen is shattered, because person was a clod and did not use official Nintendo Licensed Zapper Light Gun.

Oh, the hilarity! Anyway, these games eventually lost their appeal when everybody figured out that if you just hold the gun up to the TV, it makes things really easier to hit. Now, I'm no zoologist, but I'm fairly certain that this game does not accurately represent the flight patterns of actual ducks. When the duck enters the screen, it flies around in an insane zig zag pattern for a few minutes before leaving. Other variations on this mode of play involve shooting at two ducks, and clay pidgeons. Clay pidgeons are just like real ones, except they don't fly as well, and shatter when shot. Apparently the people that made this game did some reasearch on ducks, as when a duck is shot, they very realistically fall to the ground. Bravo! Then your faithful hound will pick up the duck(s) by the neck and emerge from the bottom of the screen. But if you completely fail to shoot any ducks, then you are subject to the one thing the game is famous for. The dog laughs at you! Openly mocks your lack of hunting prowess! Makes you feel like a total schmuck for failing to shoot an imaginary duck! Of course, the natural response is to unload your gun in the dog, but nothing doing! This dog is immortal, it knows no pain. It only knows cruel, cruel mockery.

This bastard's waiting for you, accompanied by the most irritating sound in 8-bit history.

Aside from the cruel taunting of the dog, this game is fairly nondescript. Apparently there's some objective that includes shooting all of the ducks, but aside from that there's no real purpose to the game. Such is life, we set goals for ourself, strive to acheive them, and for what? Meanwhile, the dog waits below the screen, forever waiting for us to fail.

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