A Boy And His Blob
Review By: Jeff

A long time ago (1989), when dinosaurs were used as lawnmowers and mailmen would shoot anyone they came across on their bloodthirsty rampage of deliveries, A Boy and his Blob was released for the Nintendo Entertainment System or as we game playing people like to call it, the NES. Created by designer David Crane of Pitfall! fame, ABAHB continued his tradition of unique gameplay and craptactular graphics.

A Boy and his Blob is a story of Action, Adventure and White Slavery. The game takes place in the 21st century where just about every kid in the world has an alien slave or "friend" except those in poor third world countries where an entire fleet of Plornixian moon puppies mysterious disappeared at the same time a restaurant chain opened serving its new Plornixian Space Roast. The focus of our story is on a boy cleverly named......Boy who is asked by the blob to help him save his planet from an evil emperor, as seen in Final Fantasy VI - XXXVIII. I'm guessing that the boy is Pitfall Harry's other son, not to be confused with Harry Jr. whom stared in the newer pitfall games, but merely the result of a one night stand which results in the kid being treated like the bastard he is (see comic). Anyway, back to the story.

To conquer the alien planet, the boy needs to buy vitamins and the local drug store charges about a million bucks per bottle, so he does what everyone else would and goes on a treasure hunt in the cavernous caverns of the city. Once the treasures are collected, and the vitamins are purchased, the boy and his "friend" must then fly to Blobolonia and defeat Richard Simmons before his rainbow machine of doom is finished.

In the boy's possession are jellybeans of many different flavors and when fed to the blob, the jellybeans not the boy, it will transform into an object or tool for the boy to use in his quest for money and women. The flavor of bean determines what the blob will turn into such as Punch = Hole and Licorice = Ladder. Most of these transformations are extremely useful but some are just there for the hell of it and don't really have a purpose.

As the game begins, you'll see the boy and blob outside of their house, likely kicked out so the boy's mother can tend to a "Gentleman Caller", after running a few screens to the right (no scrolling for YOU!), you'll come across a subway which acts as a training ground for the blob. If you manage to place a hole in an area that won't send the boy on a 1,000 foot drop, then you'll be able to explore the cave complex located beneath the city. Now some people may think its stupid that a massive cave complex is located under an entire city but it is in fact, geographically accurate. Chicago and many other cities are built on a huge mazes of twisting caverns filled with all kinds of dangerous and delicious creatures.

As the two make their way through the caves, you'll notice that the boy's a wuss and has no way of defending himself thus the player must constantly be on the defensive cause you've only got 5 lives and you can't get a 1up until the second half of the game, that's communism at work. By now some of you are probably saying , "I have a chronic fear of paper airplanes, will you go to the prom with me?" which of course means, "I lost the blob, will I die a horrible death?". Well worry not, little missy, if you lose the blob all you have to do is throw a ketchup jellybean and he'll "catch up" (AHAHahhah..heh..he...I need a drink). After cleaning out the caves, you'll then have to get raped by the drug store owner so you can purchase vitamins to use in your brand new VITA BLASTER and after that its off to the blobs home world.

What an evil world it is too, sure it's a nice sunny day out but that only hides the true horror of a planet loaded with killer marshmallows , pop corn, cherries and the dreaded devourer of souls...THE CHOCOLATE KISSES. I'm not making this shit up either, good thing it's not real too cause movie theatres would be death traps. After battling your way through a dentist's nightmare and a fat chick's dream, you confront the evil emperor himself in a no holds barred brawl of jellybean tossing...yep.

Graphically, ABAHB is really not much to look at. Almost everything is kept in low detail and has a ugly appearance, but not Deadly Towers ugly more of a Lemmings ugly. The boy and blob are Atari quality and this lack of detail is kind of made up with some pretty smooth animations, ok so the boy only has the walking and OOPS, I'M GONNA FALL!! animation but the blob looks decent all around. Backgrounds are pretty much non-existent but the few you see are way more detailed then anything by TH*Q. So while it won't show off the shear graphic power of the 8-bit beast, it won't make you claw your eyes out either.

The controls are incredibly simple and should only take a minute or two to get the hang of. Any longer than that, and a drunken hobo will descend from the sky and kick you in the groin because you are a retard. Moving the boy is just a matter of pushing either Left or Right, Up and Down are only used for ladders, trampolines, bubbles and the crack whore in the subway. The A button is used for feeding the blob and dropping him when you're done manipulating the poor like the friend you are. The B button functions as the action button allowing you to fire the vita blaster, and whistle for the blob so you can find new and crueler ways to abuse your intergalactic friend. Select cycles through the jellybean flavors and pushing up or down while doing this will reverse the order and Start, as always, opens a portal into another dimension where time stands still and nothing ever happens (kind of like living in my town).

The game has a total of three music tracks...that's it three fucking tracks, Donkey Kong had more than three fucking tracks what kind of shit is this? Anyway, the whopping three songs are the title theme; a knock off of the Indiana Jones theme, the in-game music; not bad if you like the sound of rusty nails going across a chalk board, and the "you just fuckin' died " music which is just as it sounds. Sound effects are audible and lets just leave it at that. Come to think of it, most of the SFX in this game where later used the those god-awful Simpsons games which I believe Mr. Crane took part in, GENIUS AT WORK!

Now comes the part where I'm supposed to say something good or bad about the game reviewed so here goes. It's better then Dash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum but nowhere near as good as Duck Tales. It was different and worked in some ways but not others and while good enough to spawn a gameboy sequel it's not something people would be drooling and camping out for such as Leather Clad Ninja Lesbians II - Hot Tub of Justice!


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