EA Rugby 2001
Review By: Darth Phenom

All right, you company men. Here is a game I am certain nothing could take higher priority to, seeing as how you all love the ridiculous game inspired by a certain gay man who could not play soccer, or so the legend goes. If it were not for him, many sports such as cricket, volleyball, gymnastics, and most importantly, the Gay Man Anal Rape Olympics (of which I happened to have won bronze at) would obviously not exist. That makes this writing the most important review to ever have graced the hallowed halls of Listen To Me. Consider reading this to be the most precious time of your miserable, pathetic lives.

I have been informed by very reliable sources (including President George W. Bush) that rugby is not a major sport in the wretched United States, thus I will attempt to explain it to you barbarians. Instead of y'all players needing to switch up your offensive patterns, well, err...ye lads need to blow the bollocks off them. Now it should all make perfect sense! Well, what else...this game is a somewhat reasonable aspect of the real life game. I say somewhat, because of the lack of an obvious anal rape ability...such lazy, unimaginative coders!

The options in the game are a tad limited compared with the Madden series in that there's no continuous career mode or player transfers or shit like that. You are only given the liberty to play a variety of tournaments: The World Cup (where a variety of nations, including Tonga, or Togo or Torgo -- I can never remember), the Six Nations (where the French laugh at those silly English louts), the Tri Nations (rednecks of the southern hemisphere battle it out year after year and make more excuses than my wife when I want to ram my fist into her stomach) and something else involving Scotland, I'm sure you all care.

The forward play in this is pretty damn wretched and ruins any chance this game has appealing to someone with an IQ over 69. No matter how hard you smash the gamepad into your monitor with frustration, it barely seems to make a difference, thus making it impossible to build phase play and play an enterprising game. Therefore, your main methods of scoring will most likely emerge from simply kicking into touch, hoping for your opponent to make a mistake so you get a scrum or lineout feed then simply passing right to your outside centre or wing and easily going over. Why, EA Sports did not bother programming AI for the most obvious offensive play, I have no idea. Fools.

Graphically, this game is years behind anything else...those fairies! Its maximum resolution is an incredible 640x480 so you people with 286's can play it. The artificial intelligence in this is just atrocious. Most often your players will spend more time raping the cheerleaders than they will actually playing the damn game. You can quite literally defend with your eyes closed as the CPU opponent refuses to try anything unpredictable. They foolishly attempt to hammer away continuously at your defensive line. EA Sports have also wisely chosen to ignore any size differential, so a 170 lb. right wing can bring down a 300 lb. hooker with ease.

I guess that's all that is to say about this game. It's unlikely you will actually enjoy it, so you should purchase it immediately. Oh, was this review supposed to be about some rugby game? I was referring to Gay Man Anal Rape Olympics 2002. EA SPORTS!!!!


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