Ring Of Red
Review By: Joe

I didn't go to my High School prom. I don't have a problem with that either, really I don't. I didn't think it'd be the type of thing I'd have fun at, what with all the happy kids with their overly expensive clothes and hairstyles talking about how much their overly expensive clothes and hairstyles cost (also I didn't have a date but shhh!!). At any rate, one would hope that when ditching their prom, they could find something else mildly entertaining to do in its place. Well then! My friend and I were two of the fine, upstanding individuals sharing the commonality of not attending the prom, so we decided to go out on the town and have some fun, fun, fun, fun, fun (fun!)!!!

Out on the town, as it turned out, meant staying inside all day at his house playing Playstation 2. But we didn't just play any old Playstation 2 games! OH NO. We played Ring of Red which, although I haven't acknowledged it at all up until this point, is the focus of this review.

Now, I haven't actually played Ring of Red and at no point in my life do I intend to. However, I did watch my friend play it for something like eighty-seven hours. That may be a gross exaggeration but it was at least three hours, maybe even three and a half. The observation I did, taking notes all the time (also known as falling asleep) for the purpose of this review which the public has been clamoring for since this site's inception about two days ago was really all I needed to judge the game's quality. That last sentence is poorly structured and difficult to read. Or maybe you're just stupid!

Anyhow, I will now review! You will be happy! Long intros are important to our survival as the superior race. Humans that is. I'm not talking about a specific racial group. Anyway, were we reviewing something? Probably! Let's go!

Ring of Red is about a fake war (although I think it's based on some Chinese thing) where people ride around in really, really, really slow and inefficient robots (probably called 'mechs' because they always are called mechs) and shoot at each other. Please note: Easy way to get total nerdy geek types to enjoy a video game is to put mechs in them. Also make it so that it takes about an hour of tweaking and fucking around to actually get into gameplay. And make it so that once you're actually in the game, it'll be even more tedious than the menu screen. There! You've reached your audience!!!

So anyway, you have these mechs that walk really slowly and take about a minute between firing to warm up or something before you can fire again. This amounts to a lot of tedious waiting. It's beyond me why they don't build these robots for real warfare (besides that they're stupid and inefficient I mean). Then you'd have all sorts of pimply kids lining up to join the army just like that. "WOW! And we get to sit and wait for the guns to get ready while they pelt us with bullets too?! ROCK! I cannot wait to be all that I can be!".

It'll work. And I know I want dorky kids fighting for my country mostly because I don't want to do it. Also, there's that bit about never hitting a guy with glasses so maybe they'd all come back okay. Probably not though. Anyway, review, right?! Probably! Let's go!

Now, I've already told you how annoying it is waiting for your guns to get ready in this game but, hey! There's more, kids! You also have to wait for an animation every time you fire or someone fires at you. First off, you get a badly translated quote from whoever you're 'controlling' (very little actual control is involved) at the time. Sometimes bad translations are funny. Here, NO!

Following that, you watch this little thingy of your mech firing and either missing or hitting the guy you're trying for. Then your guy says something else. You also have to watch the same basic thing when a shot is fired towards you. Yes, doesn't sound horribly excruciating at first...but you have to watch it every time. I know what it looks like already and I don't care!

This is not the worst of it though. It's worse when later you get these little people to run around your mech (I dunno why) who you can basically tell to either stand in front or in back of you. Then, their weapons warm up (more waiting?! ROCK IT, DADDY!) in the back but they can't kill anybody there! And nobody can kill them! You move them up front and they can kill people (once their weapons are warmed up of course) but also they can't warm their weapons up there - and they get shot. So, really, you have to keep moving them forward and backward and each time you do that, you get an exceptionally slow animation of them running really stupidly alongside your mech. Then they take about an hour more to fire off whatever weapons they had charged.

In a real battle, if you were watching every little command you issued go into action closely, you would get shot in the face! IN THE FACE! Although I suppose in a real battle, you are not playing a crappy STUPID SHIT GAME! Huh?! I made no point there! I just hate the game! That picture up there, by the way, is when I burned down a city after watching the game for too long.

By the way, when you are not 'battling' (battles are more like golf tournaments in this game), you are moving around on a little map. You can move around and heal or you can go fight other people. Slightly limited perhaps but...uh...this game sucks!

Oh, I never mentioned the aiming. After your guns warm up you get a view of a target aiming at your enemy. But you are not in charge of targeting. Oh no, we wouldn't want to add any actual control. You just watch the target as this little percentage thingy goes up and up and up showing you the odds that you'll hit the enemy. Wee! You cannot imagine the fun in waiting! And you can get shot whilst doing this! But, the waiting! MMF! It's diiiiivine! Also, my friend would never let the goddamned thing count up to 85% or thereabouts. It takes more time to do it twice than to just wait that long once. Maybe there was some strategy involved that would explain why he was doing this but I think he was just trying to be mean to me.

That is a picture of the aiming up there. It brings back sweet, sweet memories of when I was wishing for something large to strike me down and end the horrible pain that is Ring of Red.

I also forgot to complain about close combat. If you want you can initiate close combat. What this means is that instead of waiting for your guns, you tell your robot guy to just go run up and beat the living shit out of the other guy. Have I mentioned that the battles only last a couple of minutes, then you have to go fight the same person again? I haven't? Probably because I don't give a crap. Anyway, it takes about three fights (at least) to kill someone.

When you do close combat, you cut down on all that waiting and just go beat the guy up and the battle ends immediately. So you got to hurt them but you have to probably fight several more battles now to inflict more damage! Happy! Another bad thing about close combat is that, unfortunately, it is random as to whether or not you actually hit them. If you miss, your guy says something like "What?! I missed!" Then the battle still ends!!! THANK YOU FOR FUN!

I think there was more I wanted to say about the game, but I do not care because it sucks and is the worst game ever. Oh, I wanted to mention the part where I was falling asleep and my friend turned and said "Joe?". I said "Yeah?". He said "Just making sure you're not asleep". Then he KEPT PLAYING! I LOVE HIM!!

Anyway, I don't remember the graphics well but I don't think they were all that impressive. So we'll just say they suck because the game sucks. The music must be forgettable because I forgot it. Other sound effects I don't care about enough to remember. But I bet they sucked.

I have not played Ring of Red but it is still the worst game ever. I give it a negative two-bazillion. Which is bad no matter what rating system you're going by. If you like it, you suck and I do not like you. I may have had sex with your mother but I don't like you. Thanks for reading.

Here is a picture of a cat. It is more entertaining to look at this cat than watch or play Ring of Red. Trust me.


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