CAP review and report their findings on movies to the internet public at large. The parody which follows is just that; it insinuates nothing about the staff of CAP nor its readership. By contrast, those who come to this site and read the parody below may be slightly foolish. To them, I say thank you.

Completely Rabid Unappealing Demagogues [CRUD]
Neurotic Review Of Household Objects
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Household Object Analysis Report
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OCT071001
A Chair
Analysis Date: October 7th, 2001
CRUD Score: 156
CRUD Religious Tolerance: -9.25


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A CHAIR [Not suitable for use by those under 21 years of age]


As Abraham Lincoln might have said "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth unto this continent a new disease; furniture". I do not want to appease the liberal machinery of the media but it is a fundamentally decent admission to make that I find most furniture vulgar. True righteousness does not need a plethora of seats, beds and tables all inviting lustful images into the mind. Instead, the most modest of furnishings should be advocated. Sadly for the makers of 'chairs', their objects do not fit in to such a category. Desks provide the opportunity to place paper upon them to write blasphemous articles. Shelves can be used as storage space for all manner of violent and sexual material. As research for this article, I entered a local magazine dealer's shop only to discover the top shelves of said store were being used to market such titles as Big Ones, Jack Off and Fun Bags. Further investigation led my to my local video emporium, where I was appalled to see shelves being used to sell videos with titles including Manhole II: The Widening, Indiana Moans & The Raiders of the Lost Arse and Professor Big Butt. There is no doubt in my mind that chairs are open to similar inappropriate misuse.

They don't make furniture like this where I'm from; it's so suggestive, so ill defined. What is a chair? The name tells nothing of the proper use it should be put to, allowing for all manner of perverted imagery to infest any decent qualities this 'chair' may have. Those in the chair construction business boast of the versatile uses that their furniture can be put to. I deride them for this statement. Whilst there are admittedly many different ways to use a chair, remember the old adage! There is no abuse without use. Obvious manipulations of a potentially innocent piece of furniture include sexual stimulation with the wooden legs of the object. These can be seen as phallic symbols - penises as the result of carpentry, if you will - which are utterly without redeeming social, moral or artistic value. I have no doubt in my mind that certain second class citizens who have diseases of the mind will perform sex acts upon the seating section of these chairs, thereby promoting illicit and unconventional sexuality. The missionary position did not get its name by idle means; missionaries knew the correct methods, locations and positions for procreation.

Reverend T. Abak of the Ordained Bigot Ministry advises in his seminal work Chairs: Them Or Us that "...[they] have four legs. When four is multiplied by 166.5 you get 666. I don't think this is a coincidence and those who would dabble in the creation of chairs...display tendencies common to devil worshipers". However, CRUD would counter that said chair can also be used to promote religious welfare, providing comfort for people to sit upon and read the Bible and even to discipline the non-righteous (see FINDINGS/SCORING). Nevertheless, I speak for everyone at CRUD when I say we highly respect Reverend Abak and collude to the fact that the coincidence of numerical statistics to devil worshipping cannot be ignored. As has been proved by other worthy prophesiers, most notably Nostradamus and Criswell, numbers alone can reveal the most intricate details about events and objects in our lives.

Whilst a link to sinful worship may prove slightly tenuous, it remains the case that sexuality is what chairs are all about. The example (pictured at the top of this article) has been constructed in a grotesque posture, as if to say "come and sit on me". This incitement to commit sexual acts is completely without value. Other than using chairs for religious purposes, it is clear they have very little value to society. Benches by contrast are often flat and non-stimulating, with legs and protruding features which are harder to manipulate to sexual desires. Churches are also places where benches are in wide use, thus immediately canceling any negative qualities because of their link to religion. I can't recall the last time I saw a solitary chair in church, although I bet the church of sin - which has no fixed abode, instead infesting the world with its policy of immorality - is stacked to the rafters with chairs. It may have become apparent by now to readers that I dislike the concept of chairs and for this reason rate it 156. On the CRUD scale, this puts the furniture 50 points higher than the kitchen sink, although not as high as the revolting bidets, which scored 211.

I want to thank, however half-heartedly, the man who sent me the chair for review, via UPS. He asked to be anonymous, so for privacy's sake I will just call him "Jimmy Morgan of Littleton, CT". Enclosed with the out-sized parcel was a brief note telling me where I should consider placing my cranium. Between you and me, it was a rather unpleasant destination. I am pleased to say that I have written an email reply to Mr. Morgan in which I detail the legal action I am going to be taking against him for sending such pornographic furniture through the post. I am also going to pursue a subsequent set of litigation against UPS for providing the ways and means of transporting the chair, and a personal damage case against my postman for the psychological harm delivery of the chair caused. However, Mr. Morgan remains my primary target and should be receiving my attorney's letter in the next few days. For more information on how I have reached the conclusions made in this article, please refer to the findings below. As for Mr. Morgan; you've got my letter, I've got your chair.



FINDINGS / SCORING: CRUD Chair Ratings

Wanton Sex/Homosexuality/Bisexuality/The Good Life (S):
  • legs may be used as sexual arousal mechanisms
  • grotesque sexual imagery (see Uses Of Object)
  • sex may be performed upon the object with another person
  • sex with another person may be with someone out of wedlock
  • thus, condemnation

    The Point Of Reviewing This Object (T)(1):
  • not noted

    Uses Of Object (U):
  • potential sexual stimulant (see Sex/Homosexuality/Bisexuality/The Good Life)
  • four legs are suggestive of a vulgar gesture of two people sticking two fingers up in the air
  • dressing maximizes stimulation of comfort
  • vulgar poses
  • inappropriate touching of posterior upon contact
  • sexual innuendo, some vulgar
  • homosexual suggestion of erections
  • vulgar imagery of animated male erection via hard chair leg
  • may be of homosexual origin
  • vulgar design
  • "Wide open legs" portraying that immoral sex is acceptable
  • encouraging to participate in immoral sex with chair legs
  • group sex (one leg each)
  • can deliver crotch hit
  • sadomasochist suggestion
  • suggestive title of model agency
  • sit on it

    Validity Of Object For Religious Purposes (P):
  • can sit on it and pray and/or read the Book
  • insolent Sunday school pupils can be faced against the wall on such an object
  • can be used as firewood for book-burning sessions
  • may be used to fend off plagues and/or as an elevation device in the Great Flood

    Inappropriate Use Of Object In Modern Life (I)(2):
  • there were no chairs, only benches, at His Last Supper
  • mockery of carpentry and thus, Joseph
  • the four legs issue

    Death/Destruction (D)(3):
  • none noted



    NOTE: The CRUD Analysis Model makes no allowances for accurate reporting or for information which may be of some consequence anywhere in the world. Furthermore, we will continue to use elongated words from the dictionary in an attempt to seem intellectually superior to those who would belittle our site and worse, our beliefs.







    (1) CRUD has consistenly recorded low scores in this section of the analysis. Notable items which have achieved similar low scores include; bowling balls, lamps, assorted fruits and vegetables and Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

    (2) The title of objects which may cause offence and are not in-keeping with the general idea of controlling the thoughts of millions are included in this analysis.

    (3)Whilst the ratings for Death/Destruction are particularly low in this review, most common household objects have been known to cause Death/Destruction. Amongst those recorded incidences of Death/Destruction, offending objects have included: television sets, vibrating sexual stimulants, bananas, pancakes and messy sock drawers.




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    Completely Rabid Unappealing Demagogues [CRUD]: Neurotic Review Of Household Objects

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