Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Disappointment Vaginally

My introduction to the Internet is something I can thank my good friend Keelhaul for. His father is the head of his own home-based software business so Keelhaul’s family was always on the cusp of computer technology. Although America On-Line is pretty well hated now, when the Internet originally began to garner its rock star status, the average unenlightened user found their way there with AOL leading them by the hand. As such, Keelhaul had a copy of said program.

It must’ve been during junior high when I went over to his house and one of the very first things, if not the first thing, Keelhaul showed me as a demonstration of the Internet’s power was that of entering a private (which is nowhere near as private as the definition of the term is supposed to imply) AOL chat room that had been named something creative like “sex” or perhaps even “sex2.” All these places were really good for was the trading of pictures of naked women.

You say to someone, “I would like a picture of a naked woman.”

They say, “What would you have in return for that?”

You say, “A picture of a naked woman.”

They say, “You’ve got yourself a deal.”

It was not uncommon for, once every couple of minutes, someone in the chat to ask, “Any chicks in here?” If someone ever did answer in the affirmative, it was likely just a guy who was desperate after spending five hours in a chat room asking, “Any chicks in here?”

After perusing a fair number of nude female bodies, Keelhaul and I decided we needed to uncover a huge mystery, so we asked a guy specifically for a picture with a prominently displayed nekkid vagina. If you haven’t guessed, this would be the first time either of us had clearly seen one of these creatures or, well, a picture of one. I still don’t believe I’ve met one face to face(?) and if I have, it must’ve been a brief, unmemorable experience and the owner most certainly did not intend to share it with me.

The guy, for his troubles, asked if we had anything that showed off some penetration. Keelhaul and I glanced at each other and he began to type, “What’s penetration?” when, the gears in my head finally springing into action, I slapped him on the shoulder and said “Wait!” Thankfully, I had figured it out in time so that we didn’t sound like morons in the presence of the perv with whom we were chatting, who may or may not have been in our age group. Although I don’t believe we did have any of said penetration, the man gracefully lowered his standards and accepted the trade of some other picture we had of a young lady who had, at some point, misplaced her clothes and then ended up in front of a camera somehow.

As he began to transfer our requested file to us, the picture opened as things did back then, which is to say, very slowly. As the photo gradually revealed itself from top to bottom, our anticipation rose to a boiling point of sorts!

And then…! Success?

We stared at it. We cocked our heads this way and that. I may have said, “Really?”

Moments later we typed to our online companion, “Do you got anything else? We want one with big boobs.”