Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Single Unemployed Male Diet

It's hard being a single, heterosexual, unemployed guy because you're expected to obtain food of your own volition. I'm not saying that with a girl, you have someone to make you food, I'm just saying that when you have other people around that care about you, they make sure you aren't killing yourself. It's the same as living with your parents.

When you're single and unemployed, eating requires that you either go outside to get some food or, GOOD LORD JESUS NO, make something. Picking up food is considerably easier than preparing it. However, it's inevitably more expensive as well and, as a member of the unemployed army, you could probably stand to hold on to some of your cash. Therefore, it's more sensible to buy food at the supermarket and put it all together to make a "dish" as it's called. But, oh!, the effort! Well, I will tell you some things you can eat to save some money while still effectively adhering to:

THE SINGLE UNEMPLOYED MALE DIET!!!! (patent pending)

HOT DOGS are a phenomenally easy and grody thing to make and eat. You can get the ones that are designed to be microwaveable, but chances are they cost more. Screw that! Get regular ones. It says boil them but that's absurd! It also gives you microwave instructions that request that you put the things in water or some such bullhockey. There is no need for you to even open the faucet, let me tell you!

Poke a few holes in the hot dogs with a fork and put them on a plate. Microwave them for a minute or so, until you hear them trying to escape their skins. If you are feeling especially luxurious, you can buy hot dog buns for this very purpose but, if you're like me and you don't want to have to buy more than one kind of bread, just take some regular sliced bread and slap the hot dog down in the middle! Now you're cooking with gas! Without the cooking! Or the gas!

Now you just need your condiments which, if you are wise enough to hang onto them, you can get in packet form from many fine fast food establishments!

TEXAS TOAST FATASS PIZZA is a brilliant invention of my very own that only takes a goddamned second.

First, I suggest that you own a toaster oven. Not a toaster, a toaster oven. A toaster oven serves all the functions of a real oven but on a lesser scale. This is an invaluable asset to the person who wants to eat but doesn't want to have to deal with the concept of cooking beyond turning one or two little nobs.

Texas Toast is a fine item you can find in the frozen foods section of your supermarket. It's essentially just garlic toast. You unfortunately can't buy lots of complete frozen meals without quickly running out your bank account. They cost about as much as going out to eat does. Texas Toast, however, is worth getting. It's good by itself but you can make a slipshod pizza out of it too! It tastes a lot better than your average frozen pizza, I might add.

They have Texas Toast with cheese already on it, which is one option. However, considering pizza usually has mozzerella cheese on it, and I'm unaware of a Texas Toast that comes with such an accoutrement, I buy string cheese too. Then get a package of sliced pepperoni. These are great. You can just pile pepperoni and cheese on anything and you got yourself a meal. The already sliced pepperoni is soooo worth it. Who wants to have to chop that shit up themselves?!

Set your toaster oven on BAKE and whatever the hell temperature it says on the Texas Toast box (I think it's 425 which is as high as mine goes anyway). It'll be preheated in like five seconds, because it's a goddamned toaster oven.

Take out however many slices of Texas Toast you'd like (two is what I reccommend for decent sustenance). If you are following my cheese instructions, usually two sticks of string cheese is sufficient for a slice. See?! You don't even need a knife! You just strip the cheese with your fingers and then lay it across the toast. Then arrange some pepperonis on that sumnabitch (six is good)!

Put that shit on the toaster oven rack and let it bake till the cheese melts (shouldn't be much more than five minutes) and VOI-FUCKIN'-LA! You got yourself a tasty-ass bit of artery obstruction!

FINALLY, you're supposed to eat fruits and vegetables so as not to get scurvy. There are really only two fruits that serve the unemployed, single male lifestyle appropriately:

CLEMENTINES kick major ass. Oranges require cutting and seeds and all kinds of unnecessary garbage. Clementines are the much less unwieldy cousin of the orange! You can take the peels off with your fingers with no trouble and inside the slices are all set up for you to eat! Plus, seeds are considerably less frequent! Clementines come in a big-ass box you can put in the fridge and then just grab from at your leisure. You may find yourself eating fruit all the damn day because it's just so easy! The only unfortunate thing is that they can go bad pretty quickly and I don't think they're always in season.

BANANAS are the obvious one. For goodness' sakes, it feels like they were made with lazy people in mind! They come in a protective skin which peels down exceptionally easily and you don't even really have to touch the fruit inside, meaning no napkins or hand-washing necessary! They go bad real quick, which is hella lame, but otherwise, GO BANANAS!! HA HA HORK!

Okay, I'm done. Just remember! Shower once a week! You might not care what the world thinks of you, but eventually there are parasites to consider.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

You Guys Like Pretzels?

Myself, not so much. You know what's pretty good though? This new candy called Butterfinger Stixx. It's like Butterfingers but in a stick. It's almost like if someone pretzelized a Butterfinger and, somehow, didn't screw it up. I mean, that's pretty impressive, huh?

Pretzels are suuuure nutty (not literally, nuts are though). I mean you can get these ones in a bag that are hard and little, yeah? Or you can get a STEAMING softish one from some guy on the street. Hahaha forget everything you read before the previous sentence and then just read the previous sentence. Hahahaha.

I don't think they're that great. I guess the steaming ones are all right, yeah? You can put mustard on them or some ish. My dad used to take the hard ones, though? And he'd season 'em up real nice and like microwave 'em or some shit? And those sons of bitches were tasty, let me tell you. I wonder if he's lost the part of his brain that told him how to make those, because he doesn't make them anymore and that's really too bad.

I like the pretzels with the salt. You ever go to some sonofabitch's house and they're all into being healthy and protesting nuclear fusion and junk like that? So they only have CRAP that tastes like SAWDUST in their PAD?

"Oh would you like some cereal?"

"Yes, that would be love--"

"IT'S FARMER BLAND'S STINKWHEAT MUSH!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"EAT IT!!!! FREE TIBET!"

So fucked up.

Or like:

"You want a burrito?"

"I'd love a burr--"

"THE BEANS WERE GROWN IN THE MOST TASTELESS DESERT IN THE WORLD (somewhere in Las Vegas)!!!"

"OH GOSH! MY MOUTH IS IMPLODING WITH FLAVOR INADEQUACY!!!"

"WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!"

And the worst are the crackers or the HARD pretzels sans salt. I mean, come on, unsalted crackers/pretzels?

If someone gives me unsalted crackers/pretzels, it's sort of like they're going "Oh, here. I really hate you. I hate you so much I want you to be thirsty and die of boredom of the mouth."

Then I say, "Oh can I have something to drink?"

"Certainly."

"Oh thank goodness."

"WE HAVE UNSWEETENED GUAVA JUICE OR WATER!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"I suppose we could sweeten them though..."

"Oh, maybe there is a God--"

"...WITH SPLENDA!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! *BURNS BRA*"

Anyway, these Butterfinger Stixx things are pretty tasty.