Thursday, March 30, 2006

Black and White "Cookies"

Now I realize there was an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry openly (THAT BRAVE SOUL!) discussed the brilliance of the design of the black and white cookie. I do believe that his argument had something to do with how it is a cookie of equality, insomuch that it has on it frosting in both the colors of black and (here comes the surprise...) white.

But, ah!, Mr. Seinfeld, ah!! The colors are still divided, are they not? Certainly they are. There is a distinct dividing line down the center of the cookie, dividing the two sides, AS THEY ARE DIVIDED IN LIFE, M'ET NON (I don't even know for sure if I'm truly saying anything in any language here)?!? In fact! It's very rare you will find an equally divided cookie, am I correct? Certainly I am. One side is very often a fair bit larger than the other.

I am writing about these cookies because there just so happens to be one directly in front of me and, amazingly enough, this one seems in favor of black power, as the dark side far outweighs the light, and, ah, perhaps this is not at all a struggle of races but a struggle of good and evil, m'et non? But, no, because the black is really quite brown, rather than black, but is this always the case? I feel as though I've seen a geniuine black and white cookie before, but perhaps I am a few halves short of a black and white cookie.

Now, another point Jerry made was that the ideal manner in which to eat these cookies is to take bites along the dividing portion so as to get a bit of both black and white at the same time. Ahhhh, so uniting the races is a task that is, in fact, up to the eater? Very interesting. It is a heavy bit of control that has been bestowed upon us, m'et non? Da. Da.

You ever seen a Ku Klux Klan member buy a black and white cookie? Certainly he breaks it in half, throws away the black half, and eats only the white? Or! Does he eat ONLY the black side so as to feel like he is crushing only that race (this, of course, adds a query to my original argument, for are we uniting the races with our consumption or simply destroying them equally)?

But then throwing away the white part would not be any good for the KKK man either, would it? It is therefore my theory that Ku Klux Klan members have rooms filled with only the white half of black and white cookies. They probably put them in frames and up on stands on mantles and so forth. I'm so totally right about this.

But my real point is as follows. Far as I can recall, a black and white cookie never even met my lips until, gracious, perhaps two years ago. I know! How absurd is that?! It's like I hadn't even lived a life here. At any rate, I was shocked to discover that black and white cookies hardly have a cookie consistency at all. In reality, they are much closer to little cakes, what with that spongy material of which they are composed.

Thus I submit to you the renaming of black and white cookies to "brown and white circular cake-things."

You know, only some places can really do the brown and white circular cake-thing justice and I've had ones that do it horribly wrong. I've just taken a bite of the one that was sitting in front of me and I'd venture to say this is either the second-worst brown and white circular cake-thing I've ever had, I do believe it is in fact the worst.

Sure, I'll get over it and live beyond this, but whoever made this mockery of a cake-thing should think about how he/she's shitting all over the concept of racial unity...or, uh, isn't...or something. I can't remember what I said.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Here's a Blog Entry

Oh gosh!

I haven't been writing on here and, I think, this is a good idea.

I want to finish my series of things about girls, but that is about all because I need to get something real going. You know, like with money? And not being a loser idiot? Otherwise my parents are gonna kick me square in the face. Brother, you don't even know.

Freedom of speech is crazy, guys. Did you know that? I'm trying to write a screenplay, eh, guys? Right. My screenplay is violent, guys. Death of a child, guys. Will this shake your bones? Rattle your marrow? I'm not sure, kids.

There are big Hollywood releases with content faaaaaar beyond any of the worst things I think I've ever thought up. EXAMPLE!!!!

I have not seen it, but are y'all aware that in the Hollywood blockbuster (okay so that's being very generous) Seed of Chucky, the evil doll, Chucky, impregnates a woman by filling a turkey baster with his SEMEN (doll semen, I guess) and, well, I suppose the rest is self-explanatory.

This is so gross! Like I'm shocked someone thought of this and that such a film got advertised on network television! It's such a base concept! Who was the sick SOB that thought that was something cool to put in his movie?! Freakin' nutbag (ha, nutbag)! The majority of ideas I have are disturbing and offensive to the general public, I think. But one hopes there's a purpose behind such a thing, no? A silver subtext, ja? Why, yes! I've already talked about this in another entry before. Huh.

Anyway, Seed of Chucky is a nasty movie that (and I'll admit this is judging it without seeing it so maybe I am a jerk) has no real merit and they put in the semen basting. I mean, honestly now, what audience does that specific portion of the movie appeal to? And why do you need it? And did the person who wrote it even think "Man, this is a gross friggin' thing I'm writing here"???

And, now, a story.

This one time, a fat kid was rolling a wheel of cheese down the street when he up and got hit by a car. His head came off and landed in the cheese and with the last bit of life in that head (this can happen I think) he chowed down on the cheese and had himself quite the time. Then he vomited and died. It was nasty.

A cop on the crime scene came over later and said "This is a metaphor for American politics."

So, you see, my story has a point, clearly. So a vomiting fat kid's head on a wheel of cheese is totally justified. It is up to you to figure out the metaphor, assholes.

This is the worst thing I have ever written.

Rock out that awful taste in your mouth with this song.