Saturday, February 18, 2006

This is the Exploding Brain Story

This one time my brain exploded, swear to GOD. So I did what any sensible (LOL!) person with an exploded brain might do! I sent out invites to people to come and see it. The invites said on them “Come see my brain! The goddamn thing blew up, swear to GOD! RSVP UP IN THIS!” So a bunch of people RSVPed and crap and they all showed up right quick. In fact! I woke up in the morning, right? And I go outside and there are all these people curled up, sleeping on my stoop and I’m like “What the HELL are you doing?!” And they go “We’re here to see the explodah brain.” I’m like “What you here all early like this fo?!” And then I realized MY FOLLY!!!!! I never put a date or time on the invites, I just said show up so I was pretty screwed, you get me, guys? Yeah, sure you do. Oh, wait, no I didn’t explain.

Okay, so my grandma had my blown-up brain at the time because I told her about it and she was like “Oh the girls in the bridge club will get a royal kick out of that!” and I said “Fine, you can borrow it but I’m having a explodino brain party at an undisclosed time and date so I need it back soon.” She said “Oh, when’s the party?” I said “WHAT DOES UNDISCLOSED MEAN, BITCH?” and then I put a nickel in the “cursed at grandma” jar. Soon I will be able to buy a power mower.

Anyway, my grandma lives in Queens, right? And I live in Shurkasndnkl so it’s like NOOO WHAT I GONNA DO, GUYS!! I can’t disappoint these jerks I invited to see the brain what went blamma, m’et non?? So I go, “Oh, uh, it’s at Sizzler. Let’s all go to Sizzler.”

So I take them all to Sizzler, okay? And I tell them all to buy whatever they want and get some ish from the all-you-can-eat buffet because it is all on me and the exploded brain. So, they are eating and stuff and once in awhile one mumbles through some shrimp in their mouth, “WHERE DA BRAIN AT?!” And I go “Oh ahhhh, just eat some more, it will be here directly.”

So I go to the door at one point and they are all eating and they go “Where you goin’? Where da brain and we need to pay da bill?” I go “LATER, SUCKAZ!!” and bolt out that shit! I had to move to Long Island, however, to escape. So who is the real loser here, huh? :(:(:(:(:(((((((((

Nigga, Please!

So this white teacher called his black student a "nigga."

Here's a video of the original news story.

This is the followup story.

And this is a bit of brilliantly stupid internet tampering.

Now, I understand this is the kind of stupid thing that sparks heated debates, and I can kind of understand why. In this case, the word in question, although just a word, has a very dense history behind it. The phrase was, at one time, a very negative, hurtful one and, at least in one form, still is.

The big difference (and this is particularly absurd when you really consider it) is that of either ending the word with an "a" or an "er." The teacher in this case used, according to him, the "a" variation. His version of the story is that the student used the word first and he responded back with it, sort instinctively (his way of saying it was it was what he was "trained" to do which just makes him look kind of stupid (who is trained a specific way to insult?) but I think I get what he was aiming for). The kid's version of the story is that he "doesn't use that word and never uses that word and his friends know he doesn't use that word" and the teacher just said it.

I know I'm not the only one with the opinion I have on this story but I'm gonna share it anyway. For controversy!!! I gotsta get mine!

The only reason this is a real issue is because the teacher was a white guy and the student was black. Certainly, a black teacher using it could be in danger of someone reporting him simply because a teacher shouldn't be using that sort of slang in general but the likelihood of it is far less. This is a rather stupid technicality. The notion of it is that it's okay for black people to say it, but not white people. You could just as easily apply the same theory to any other racial slur but it's less frequent that Spanish people go around calling each other "spics" and Italians calling each other "wops."

Plus, this is technically not a racial slur anymore by way of the exchange of "er" for "a." Therefore, we have a bit of a paradox on our hands. A word had been edited slightly, thereby officially deeming it a casual term rather than something offensive but, wait, no! If a white person says it, it IS racism again! Shame!

The thing is, the teacher should have been more careful about what he said and should have realized that (considering his whiteness), he'd maybe be getting himself into trouble (and he probably only made it worse by saying it repeatedly on the news too).

The teacher hardly comes off as a bad guy. I think it's highly unlikely he just called his student any form of "nigg" out of nowhere. I think it's far more likely that the student really did say it, maybe not directly to the teacher but the teacher probably did overhear him saying that. I just know from experience that it's a very common term with the youth these days! I hear both black and white kids saying it (as the average white kid these days is just a poor facsimile of a black kid) and unless this kid is a real diamond in the rough, I think he must just have a report due or something to want to get this poor guy fired or just thinks there's a principle here he's obligated to uphold the validity of.

Either way, it's unfortunate that something this tiny is sparking such a huge amount of controversy. Now, I wouldn't call it tiny if the word "nigger" was completely out of our venacular these days but the fact of the matter is, it gets used (or a form of it does anyway) all the time. I personally think that if people don't want an offensive word being used by certain groups, they shouldn't be spreading it around themselves. That way it's just an offensive word and the rules about using it or not don't get all hazy. In my mind, someone getting mad at someone else for using a word that they themselves use is a case of the pot calling the kettle nigga. Sorry, I just wanted to say that.

I do have to admit one thing, though. The teacher does seem to be a little bit nuts. What's with him (in the followup story) writing a letter referring to himself in the third person and drawing red N's on his hands (something completely unaddressed by the reporter)? I kind of just think he's annoyed and flustered about what a big deal is being made over something so silly, but he's still a bit wacky for sure. Also, they keep mentioning that he's being investigated for an unrelated issue. I'm very curious as to what this might be.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Oh, children. It's not doing you any good, you know.

I am of possibly the first generation to grow up allowing the internet to ru(i)n their lives. Of course, not everyone let this happen to them. You had to be of a certain breed: dork!

Dorks cannot go outside! There's SUN out there! And PEOPLE! And none of them make sense to you! But, ahhhh, 0's and 1's, now there is something to which we can relate. Even though I hate math. Hmm?

Children, the internet robbed me of my life's blood (and some calories), do you understand? What do I get from you, internet? Money? No! Friends? Nein! Women? AHAHAHA! Sandwiches?!? Uh, newsflash, kids! I STILL HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN SANDWICHES!!!

Do you understand how socially retarded the internet has rendered me? DO YOU!? FUCKIN' DO YOU?!?? Back when I started the internet addiction I thought, "Golly, I'm a winner! Saying cool things on the internet! Who else can do this but me? WHO ELSE?!" And at the time there WAS no one! I was the only one there!! SWEAR TO GOD!!! I'd go "Yo yo!" and the response would come from me "Oi oi!" Sorry.

I'm less internet than I used to be, and that's not saying a lot. I still don't know mothafuckas. I still don't get to touch women. We've already discussed the sandwiches. Do you know someone who still internets forever? Ooohba, I do. And I think "Thank goodness I escaped the clutches!" But, really, it is BS. I have escaped nothing. I am on every day checking all my various internet outlets AND FOR WHAT?! There will never be friends! Sandwiches! The other stuff I said!

Internet you have given me nothing! No job! I didn't say job before but I will now because the crap I've produced for the internet is certainly not anything I could show to an employer. They'd be like "What the hell, are you the anti-christ?" I'd say "Well, just on the internet." They'd say "What is this internet? Stop speaking garbage language, you're clearly a terrorist!" Then I'd get SHOT. That's the result of all this internetting, kids. I go to a job interview and I get SHOT. I mean what the HELL?

So here is my wonderful advice to you (THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE BECAUSE I AM A JERK FROM THE INTERNET): Go outside! Eat sandwiches! Make money! Touch women!! They say they don't like it but, oh, they do!!!

The day I've stopped looking at the internet entirely is the day I'll know I am an adult! But for now OOH I HAVE NEW MYSPACE COMMENTS GA-HOO HOO HOOOOOOO!!!!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Beautiful, True Story

Here's a vulgar little thing I overheard a gentleman saying recently.

I was walking down the main street not too far from my apartment in Jersey City. As I walked past a group of three guys talking, I overheard one of them (VERY LOUDLY) say this bit of genius:

"I dunno. I think she was scared or something... Maybe it was me. Because, like, I took out my cock while we were kissin' and shit."


Thank you for your patronage!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

License to Blog

Hi everybody. I decided to write a rap song about blogging. Please enjoy.

Aw damn, aw man, it's time to update my blog! (BLOG!)
Can't spend all day bein' a lump on a log! (LOG!)
Sittin' around, unemployed, waitin' fo da money to roll in
Ten cents a month, let the splurging begin!! (DAMN!!)

Get down to the T-Bell, buy five big-ass chalupas
Extra fire sauce please, I'm in a spicy stupah! (STUPOR!)
It's aight, I'll afford it, I can be a fat hog!
Every day like eight mofos come visit my blog! (HECK!)

That's my blog! (livin' large)
That's my blog!! (I'm in charge!)
That's my BLOG!!!
Every day, see me smirkin', workin' hard on my BLOG!!!!

Don't see why I'd have to work 9 to 5! (FIVE!)
My internet 'pinions more than keep me alive! (LIVE!)
Four Cup O' Noodles and, like, two Mac n' Cheese
At the Medieval Times, can't have feasts much like these!

See all the suckaz in they formal attire
Get back to yo 'putah, get yoself on da wire!
While you breakin' yo back, takin' shit from the man
I'll be livin' da good life wit dis BLOG I DONE RAN!!!

That's my blog! (livin' large)
That's my blog!! (I'm in charge!)
That's my BLOG!!!
Every day, see me smirkin', workin' hard on my BLOG!!!!

That's my blog! (livin' large)
That's my blog!! (I'm in charge!)
That's my BLOG!!!
Every day, see me smirkin', workin' hard on my BLOG!!!!

That's right, baby. Once a day, seven days a week. The Blogmastah Plork. I'ma take you out to Sal's, you pick out whateva you want, it's on me. Well, shit! Not that! That's leather! Anything else though. Well not fuckin' heels! Not heels! How 'bout this shirt? Says "I skated my way to Nathan's Bar Mitzvah" on it. This shit'll go with anything. See? I tol' ya. We on top o' the world now, baby. Top o' the world.

I think I am in love

I know this guy named Ross. I have to say, I think he is the greatest person in my life. Sometimes he's not on the internet, and other times he doesn't make websites. Anyway, if anyone wants to start a religion worshipping him, I think it'd be a good idea. Actually, I think I will.

Also, I'm a doody head.


This here's a test.

Enjoy the hell out of it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

How Important Valentine's Day is to My Dad

My dad is hilarious. Him and my mom are old people (in their sixties) who have been together far too long. They tolerate each other but, really, there's not a huge spark going on there, you know?

Anyway, my mom made the effort to go out and buy him a VD (haw haw!) card. It said something like "I AM GLAD CUPID CHOSE YOU!" or something sappy of that nature. Then she wrote some apparently heartfelt message on the bottom about how they've been together for over thirty years, yadda yadda yadda.

My dad opens the card, reads it, writes on the top flap "Same to you!" signs it, and gives it back to her.

Even better, when he sees me later in the day he shows me it, all pleased with himself about what a funny bastard he is.

"You can't put a price on a sense of humor like that," I said to my mom.

Incidentally, the thought of getting a card for my parents never crossed my mind, but it's something my mom evidently sort of expects (what, am I trying to DATE THEM?). I made it quite clear I hadn't gotten a damn thing for them so my mom gave me a free card she got in the mail from some Christian foundation.

It had a bunch of crap on it about God blessing you for VD (yaw haw!) and some other stuff with God in it on the inside too. Also, there was some odd message saying "A mass is being held in your honor at [SOME CHURCH]!"

My dad is Egyptian and has a humorous obsession with mentioning "Mohammad," you know, the guy that's caused all the silly recent hubbub. So I just crossed out any mention of "God" and wrote "Mohammad." Next to the part where it mentioned the mass, I wrote "YAY!" and circled it. I sealed it in an envelope, wrote "TO MA + PA!" on it and called it a day.

Hilariously enough, my dad apparently really enjoyed it, and my mom seemed to like it too.

If I had a girlfriend though, I'd probably be screwed...which is to say I wouldn't. GET IT?!??

HAPPY VD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We all think it is funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "VD" do we not?

I am sure we do.

I am sure we ALL do.

Here's how it is going to go down.

Right, so, here is another not real post. I just wanted to say that I'm likely going to just pilfer from my other blog the things which I thought were just BRILLIANT but did not get the (sexual) attention they deserved.

SO get ready for THAT!!!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Blogs out the ass.

I've got two blogs now. I have a darn good feeling I'm just gonna start posting the same thing in both places but whatever, dawg, whatever. Just roll wit it and give me money.