Friday, June 23, 2006

Summer Ruins Chocolate

In my humble - no, make that awesome - in my awesome opinion, summer is a bastard any way you slice it. It's all hot and stupid and, yeah, well, that's about it. I've written about this at length elsewhere on the internet. Oh, you don't believe me? Fine, jerk, here you go: JERK. That's a link, pal.

I've since thought of things that make summer even WORSE, however. I also hate spring because spring pretends as though it's summer's version of what fall is to winter but it ISN'T EVEN, because fall is actually respectable in its behavior. It's not too cold. It's actually quite nice. It's chilly enough to remind you YOU'RE ALIVE!! but it's not freezing-ass cold, like the winter coming after it promises to be. SPRING, on the other hand, is this sonofabitch bastard who might as well be summer except with more rain. It just gets stupid hot without any warning and it's like, hi, what the hell? Anybody ever heard of SUBTLETY? ASS? FUCK??

But this is not the problem at hand. The big problem here is that SUMMER RUINS CHOCOLATE. It's true! Most of my favorite candies have chocolate as their base component and I can't even properly appreciate them come summer (or "spring") time!

I just got a Symphony chocolate bar. I had it in my room for like five seconds before I realized it was bendy like a goddamned pipe cleaner. "GOOD LORD, THIS ISN'T CHOCOLATE THE WAY I REMEMBERED IT!!" I quite possibly screamed, but you can't prove it. What happens then?! What CAN happen?! You have to put your chocolate in the goddamned fridge or freezer! THIS IS NOT HOW CHOCOLATE WAS MADE TO BE CONSUMED, MY FRIENDS. The consistency changes! All cold and hard and funky! You either have to eat pipe cleaner chocolate or this hard nonsense! Plus, if it gets too cold it turns whitish! WHITISH?! THAT'S NOT HOW CHOCOLATE IS MEANT TO BE!!! BAH! A travesty!

I was in New York City two days ago and I bought a black and white cookie. It was a damn fine one too, by the way. I put it in the paper bag the lovely store clerk person gave to me with the intention of eating it later. Little did I know...IT WAS SPRING, which, as we've discussed, is just summer hiding behind a bullshit false title. By the time I got home, my cookie was all smushy and the frosting (some chocolate, some vanilla, to be fair) was melted onto the plastic wrapping. GROSS. I couldn't even unwrap this if I didn't want basically The Holocaust - Part Deux - The Sequel to occur right then and there. I swear it would have been THAT BAD.

I had to, what else?, put the louse in the fridge. I ate the cookie later and it was adequate, I suppose, but, really now, this isn't the way my brown and white circular cake-thing is supposed to be handled. It's wrong, and it's not good, and it's bad, that generally agreed upon as being the opposite of good.

Anyway, summer and it's bastard twin brother, spring, suck. Everything is hot and dirty and sweaty, even my chocolate. I don't think that this is right and I implore you to stand with me, and, I dunno, help me blow up the sun or something. I'm sure nothing would be too negatively affected in performing such an action.

Get it? I'm being facetious. Yeah, this is the first time I'm trying it out. Boy, it's great.


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