Sunday, April 30, 2006

You Guys Like Pretzels?

Myself, not so much. You know what's pretty good though? This new candy called Butterfinger Stixx. It's like Butterfingers but in a stick. It's almost like if someone pretzelized a Butterfinger and, somehow, didn't screw it up. I mean, that's pretty impressive, huh?

Pretzels are suuuure nutty (not literally, nuts are though). I mean you can get these ones in a bag that are hard and little, yeah? Or you can get a STEAMING softish one from some guy on the street. Hahaha forget everything you read before the previous sentence and then just read the previous sentence. Hahahaha.

I don't think they're that great. I guess the steaming ones are all right, yeah? You can put mustard on them or some ish. My dad used to take the hard ones, though? And he'd season 'em up real nice and like microwave 'em or some shit? And those sons of bitches were tasty, let me tell you. I wonder if he's lost the part of his brain that told him how to make those, because he doesn't make them anymore and that's really too bad.

I like the pretzels with the salt. You ever go to some sonofabitch's house and they're all into being healthy and protesting nuclear fusion and junk like that? So they only have CRAP that tastes like SAWDUST in their PAD?

"Oh would you like some cereal?"

"Yes, that would be love--"

"IT'S FARMER BLAND'S STINKWHEAT MUSH!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"EAT IT!!!! FREE TIBET!"

So fucked up.

Or like:

"You want a burrito?"

"I'd love a burr--"

"THE BEANS WERE GROWN IN THE MOST TASTELESS DESERT IN THE WORLD (somewhere in Las Vegas)!!!"

"OH GOSH! MY MOUTH IS IMPLODING WITH FLAVOR INADEQUACY!!!"

"WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!"

And the worst are the crackers or the HARD pretzels sans salt. I mean, come on, unsalted crackers/pretzels?

If someone gives me unsalted crackers/pretzels, it's sort of like they're going "Oh, here. I really hate you. I hate you so much I want you to be thirsty and die of boredom of the mouth."

Then I say, "Oh can I have something to drink?"

"Certainly."

"Oh thank goodness."

"WE HAVE UNSWEETENED GUAVA JUICE OR WATER!!!!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"I suppose we could sweeten them though..."

"Oh, maybe there is a God--"

"...WITH SPLENDA!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! *BURNS BRA*"

Anyway, these Butterfinger Stixx things are pretty tasty.

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