Thursday, April 13, 2006

I Should Be Ashamed!!! - Another "Teenage Angst" Blog

So I'm an unemployed little tosser, I am. And I've been this way for an appallingly long while (I think like six months now). My parents (more specifically, my padre) are starting to get right PO'ed and, I suppose, with good reason.

I hate working so much. And I don't believe in it. I believe I should be writing. It's the only thing I care about enough to get me anywhere in life, I think. I don't hold jobs for very long because they make me hate life more than I already do and, oooooh, I sure hate a lot.

It'd be easier for me to argue this claim if I actually wrote a lot more than I did get high and jerk off and stuff. But these things tend to be easier than writing. Not to say that I don't write at all but I could totally have a completed work of some sort by now if I was at all hard on myself in any capacity. I've decided I'm not going to make a connection between the previous sentence and the earlier mention of jerking off...well, except for this sentence.

Anyway, I understand my dad's unhappiness, but this is more about the way in which he's berating me for it. He gave me one yelling lecture about how despicable my behavior was that shook me up ever so slightly, only because I don't want to move back with him and my mom, not because I'm worried about any future career crapola. He gave me a follow-up chew-out yesterday that did nothing really except to lessen the blow of his previous rant.

He told me I should be ashamed of myself. Fine. Again, I'm not in complete disagreement here. The one thing I do find absurd is that him and my mother both agreed to pay for the two-month screenwriting class I am currently taking and he's now behaving as though I should have a job now even though I'm in the midst of THE CLASS HE AGREED TO PAY FOR. But aside from this, I totally agree I could have done LOTS more with my time.

The major thing he said that truly bugged me was that I was embarassing everyone the way I was acting. MMMM. Now I understand this notion of bringing shame upon your family. Whether it be by being an unemployed loser or getting arrested for drug possession or coming out of the closet, there's lots of ways to ruin your family's "reputation."

Sadly, I don't give a fuck, shit, or [INSERT FAVORITE EXPLETIVE HERE].

If there's one thing anyone can do to make me shut myself off to them, it's to tell me to do something FOR them. Fuck you. The only time I could see this working is with a girl I was wholly and truly in love with. I imagine a girl like this could make me do anything for her and, I'd hope, she'd have implemented some logic behind requesting something in such a manner. Besides this situation, however, I ain't doin' jack for nobody but me.

Not to say I don't do favors. We all get that right? I mean if you say "Get that pencil for me" I don't say to you "WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?!" I mean that I don't want people to tell me to do things that should be MORE important to me personally than they should be to them FOR them. Did that sentence work? I hope!

I once had a summer job as a parking lot attendant for CVS. I once came home in the middle of my shift because it was a slow day and I knew I could get away with leaving for the rest of the day then coming back to punch out. My mom got upset with me for being dishonest (which is something I'm almost exclusively not except when in a job situation, in which case I feel that all bets are off because, well, jobs suck). She told me to go back to work "FOR HER." I sort of flipped out and said "No! If I'm gonna do it for anybody, I'll do it for me." Unfortunately, as it wasn't something important to me, I didn't go back to work. There's more to this story that makes me a worse son, but I shan't go into it now.

When my dad said it was embarassing for him when people asked what I was doing and he had to always say "Still looking for a job" (and, incidentally, he could at least now say "taking a screenwriting course"), it was a fairly similar situation. I think, if I really consider the meaning behind these statements, my dad's was MORE irritating.

First of all, he's indirectly telling me that I should get a job for HIS sake. It's really more important to MY life that I do some work, I'd have to say. He should've told me I should get a job for ME, which, I'm sure, is true.

Secondly, the fact that I'm evidently "embarassing" him means that he wants me to get a job not just to make him worry less about me but so that he can keep up appearences with acquaintances. This is phenomenally stupid. I understand that it can be kind of crappy to have to admit that someone related to you is being a failure but, more than that, I tend to think "who gives a damn what other people think?" Unless someone's very meaningful to me, screw them! I know for a fact my dad doesn't like or care about very many people. Hell, I inherited that trait from him! Suddenly, though, this is an embarassment?

I know, I should look at this from my dad's perspective. If someone came up to me and asked me "What's your son up to?" and I had to lie would it suck some? Yes. So I wouldn't. I'd embrace it! "He's being a bum. We're hoping he pulls out of it." Like I really care what these people take away from that and, on top of which, (when I mentioned this to my sister and her boyfriend he pointed this out) they probably don't care either. It's not THEIR family and they barely know me! It's just small talk! Nobody really gives a damn about your crappy family, even if they pretend like they do!

When my dad told me I was embarassing him, I stopped absorbing what he said almost completely. If he just wanted to express concern over my actions, "We're worried about you" would've been much better and lots more succinct. Telling me to do something for YOU that should be for ME has the opposite effect: I now feel enthused to strive to dissapoint YOU further, because that would now be funny to ME.

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