Thursday, March 30, 2006

Black and White "Cookies"

Now I realize there was an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry openly (THAT BRAVE SOUL!) discussed the brilliance of the design of the black and white cookie. I do believe that his argument had something to do with how it is a cookie of equality, insomuch that it has on it frosting in both the colors of black and (here comes the surprise...) white.

But, ah!, Mr. Seinfeld, ah!! The colors are still divided, are they not? Certainly they are. There is a distinct dividing line down the center of the cookie, dividing the two sides, AS THEY ARE DIVIDED IN LIFE, M'ET NON (I don't even know for sure if I'm truly saying anything in any language here)?!? In fact! It's very rare you will find an equally divided cookie, am I correct? Certainly I am. One side is very often a fair bit larger than the other.

I am writing about these cookies because there just so happens to be one directly in front of me and, amazingly enough, this one seems in favor of black power, as the dark side far outweighs the light, and, ah, perhaps this is not at all a struggle of races but a struggle of good and evil, m'et non? But, no, because the black is really quite brown, rather than black, but is this always the case? I feel as though I've seen a geniuine black and white cookie before, but perhaps I am a few halves short of a black and white cookie.

Now, another point Jerry made was that the ideal manner in which to eat these cookies is to take bites along the dividing portion so as to get a bit of both black and white at the same time. Ahhhh, so uniting the races is a task that is, in fact, up to the eater? Very interesting. It is a heavy bit of control that has been bestowed upon us, m'et non? Da. Da.

You ever seen a Ku Klux Klan member buy a black and white cookie? Certainly he breaks it in half, throws away the black half, and eats only the white? Or! Does he eat ONLY the black side so as to feel like he is crushing only that race (this, of course, adds a query to my original argument, for are we uniting the races with our consumption or simply destroying them equally)?

But then throwing away the white part would not be any good for the KKK man either, would it? It is therefore my theory that Ku Klux Klan members have rooms filled with only the white half of black and white cookies. They probably put them in frames and up on stands on mantles and so forth. I'm so totally right about this.

But my real point is as follows. Far as I can recall, a black and white cookie never even met my lips until, gracious, perhaps two years ago. I know! How absurd is that?! It's like I hadn't even lived a life here. At any rate, I was shocked to discover that black and white cookies hardly have a cookie consistency at all. In reality, they are much closer to little cakes, what with that spongy material of which they are composed.

Thus I submit to you the renaming of black and white cookies to "brown and white circular cake-things."

You know, only some places can really do the brown and white circular cake-thing justice and I've had ones that do it horribly wrong. I've just taken a bite of the one that was sitting in front of me and I'd venture to say this is either the second-worst brown and white circular cake-thing I've ever had or...no...no, I do believe it is in fact the worst.

Sure, I'll get over it and live beyond this, but whoever made this mockery of a cake-thing should think about how he/she's shitting all over the concept of racial unity...or, uh, isn't...or something. I can't remember what I said.

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