Monday, February 20, 2006

Nothing You Say is Important and Therefore Everything Is

Now it is time for an existential discussion, old chaps.

From day to day, one can run into any number of jackanapes, gallavantin' around saying stupid garbage. "I'VE GOT A NEW TRACTOR!" a man with a cap might say. "I'M WEARING A FRAGRANCE!" a woman of noble stature will exclaim. "I BUILT MY OWN POOL!" some bearded father will quote. "IF SANDWICHES COULD FLY, WOULD THEY USE THE LETTUCE AS WINGS?!" I would personally question!

Now, what is the difference between all of these statements, chums!? Is one of these things not like the others?! Yes and no! But mostly no!!!! Now, see, I'm loonier than your average chickadee, sure. From day to day, I hear people spouting horribly uninteresting statements. Heck, I do it too! "I'D LIKE A DONUT!" I'll say to the Dunkin' Donuts employee. "BORIIIIIINNNGG!" he would be justified to respond!

However! Does it make sense to vary your speech from day to day? To try and say some new crazy shizzat that nobody has ever heard before? Well, it's really up to you, now isn't it!? It can be fun! I suggest trying it and see how it fits you. The thing is this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the grand scheme of things, nothing ANYONE says matters, you see?! YOU SEE!!?? Language is a human-manufactured thing which holds no great weight. When you talk, are you making any great breakthroughs, EVER? Probably not! Some person probably already said what you said long, long ago in not so many words. Besides! You think a toucan gives a crap what you're babbling about! TOUCAN DON'T CARE!!!! Except the one who sells cereal. He's a talker.

So, nothing we say matters BUT!!! At the same time, if we all accepted the fact that our words are across the board unspectacular, we would have nothing to say to each other and nothing would get done, AM I RIGHT OR WHAT?! Speaking in the NOW is how things happen and stuff goes down! Without communication (of various types; e.g. punching someone in the gut communicates something) there would be no love! There would be no hate either! But there would be no LOVE, man!!! And no SANDWICHES!!! HOW CAN YOU TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU WANT ON A SANDWICH IF YOU DON'T SAY IT!!! GOOD GOD!!!!!

The only time in which speech is wasted, therefore, is when you quote a movie or a tv show or something. Used in an applicable situation, it can be excusable but if I hear someone vomit out another Austin Powers quote or that band camp crap from American Pie, I am...well, not going to do anything but I really hate it. You're wasting time! And you're wasting the language by just saying something already established that you and everyone else KNOWS isn't even yours! AND IT'S NOT EVEN THAT FUNNY!

So, in conclusion, don't quote Austin Powers.

DISMISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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