Monday, February 27, 2006

Murder Most Profitable

Listen up! This is my business proposal.

The way I see it, lots of people are pissed off, at least in Americatown where we eat the burgers and they are SO BIG that they fill our arteries and clog up our brains and they BURST WITH HATE!!! I think that’s how it works. I believe there is a scientific study regarding it. I ran the study and I refuse to publish the results but let’s just put it this way: they were right.

I’ve noticed a lot of people are very mad and one of the first things they consider is to murder! To squeeze the existence out of someone! To destroy a life! To kick someone else’s bucket, thereby spilling out all of their precious sustainment juices. Ew, gross! No, “sustainment” isn’t a real word. Happy?

When someone gets mad, they often have someone to blame (surely not themselves?) and this person, they believe, deserves a mystical scythe to the butt! However, people usually cool off and realize that the person they were directing their hate at doesn’t REALLY deserve to have their life squelched. But, mark my words, they will get mad again! AND URGE TO KILL WILL RISE.

So! My business proposal?! Let them!!!

My belief is that all the murderous rage will be taken out of a person if they just get to off one lousy mofo! Here is how it works. We put out ads for people who really, really don’t want to live anymore. We would make this an extensive interview process and would be very selective because we don’t want someone who only thinks they wanna die and then rescinds this decision once they’re put in a room with some crazy, violent American with blood on the brain. As such, no high school students will be considered.

A similar process is gone through with the people who want to snuff someone out as well. If you seem angry enough, we’ll let you kill someone! Of course you have to pay money, quite a bit of it in fact. Heck, I guess the people dying could pay money too. I mean, why not? Like they’re gonna need it, right? But I guess for them we’ll just say a donation is “heavily appreciated.” At any rate, we’ll be fulfilling the needs of two different groups: the murderous and those who can’t find Kevorkian’s new address in the book.

We’ll fit all kinds of characteristics together including types (e.g.; someone who wants a boss-type figure to die would get the depressed, alcoholic boss to waste) and methods of death so if a guy wants to die by boob suffocation (a very popular selection!), we’ll match him up with the disgruntled Hooters employee. It’ll basically be like a matchmaking service except we’re pairing people up to kill each other.

No, wait. It’s the same.


My hope is that a person only has one murder in ‘em and that should appease them pretty good for the rest of their lives. Alternate scenario: they’ll feel all guilty about it and realize they went too far and reform their lives from then on. Or, it could go another way and, unable to live with the guilt, they’ll make the crossover from murderer to murderee! This would be the best situation as far as profits are concerned.

If there are people who desire a bit of the old repeat murder and get addicted to it like some kind of drug dependency situation, we’ll institute a policy of increasing the cost substantially with every subsequent kill. I mean, come now, even mass murderers have to be thrifty at some point. How you gonna pay for them burgers?!



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