Friday, February 17, 2006

GET OFF THE INTERNET!!!

Oh, children. It's not doing you any good, you know.

I am of possibly the first generation to grow up allowing the internet to ru(i)n their lives. Of course, not everyone let this happen to them. You had to be of a certain breed: dork!

Dorks cannot go outside! There's SUN out there! And PEOPLE! And none of them make sense to you! But, ahhhh, 0's and 1's, now there is something to which we can relate. Even though I hate math. Hmm?

Children, the internet robbed me of my life's blood (and some calories), do you understand? What do I get from you, internet? Money? No! Friends? Nein! Women? AHAHAHA! Sandwiches?!? Uh, newsflash, kids! I STILL HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN SANDWICHES!!!

Do you understand how socially retarded the internet has rendered me? DO YOU!? FUCKIN' DO YOU?!?? Back when I started the internet addiction I thought, "Golly, I'm a winner! Saying cool things on the internet! Who else can do this but me? WHO ELSE?!" And at the time there WAS no one! I was the only one there!! SWEAR TO GOD!!! I'd go "Yo yo!" and the response would come from me "Oi oi!" Sorry.

I'm less internet than I used to be, and that's not saying a lot. I still don't know mothafuckas. I still don't get to touch women. We've already discussed the sandwiches. Do you know someone who still internets forever? Ooohba, I do. And I think "Thank goodness I escaped the clutches!" But, really, it is BS. I have escaped nothing. I am on every day checking all my various internet outlets AND FOR WHAT?! There will never be friends! Sandwiches! The other stuff I said!

Internet you have given me nothing! No job! I didn't say job before but I will now because the crap I've produced for the internet is certainly not anything I could show to an employer. They'd be like "What the hell, are you the anti-christ?" I'd say "Well, just on the internet." They'd say "What is this internet? Stop speaking garbage language, you're clearly a terrorist!" Then I'd get SHOT. That's the result of all this internetting, kids. I go to a job interview and I get SHOT. I mean what the HELL?

So here is my wonderful advice to you (THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE BECAUSE I AM A JERK FROM THE INTERNET): Go outside! Eat sandwiches! Make money! Touch women!! They say they don't like it but, oh, they do!!!

The day I've stopped looking at the internet entirely is the day I'll know I am an adult! But for now OOH I HAVE NEW MYSPACE COMMENTS GA-HOO HOO HOOOOOOO!!!!

4 Comments:

simplysopa said...

well fuck you too
- The Internet

3:45 PM  
Joeplork said...

:(

5:23 PM  
Philena Rush said...

Awwww.. poor thang.. I'm glad I get to touch men.. LOL.. I don't have that problem.. You must really suck.. No money.. No Job.. Oooh.. you really do suck! Get a clue MANN!

4:08 PM  
Joeplork said...

Haha. Thank you for your, uh, support.

11:54 PM  

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